A few recent quotes (highlight the text below each quote to reveal the source):
"I'm mad. It has completely turned my life upside down!"
A San Francisco woman talking about a possible rough morning traffic commute in the Bay Area after a section of the freeway collapsed. Turned out to be minor delays.
"You just have to deal with adversity in life. It's hard."
Raul Ibanez, Seattle Mariners outfielder, discussing his little baseball game getting canceled because of rain, the fifth in a month.
"This absolutely has to be a nightmare for the guy. His worst nightmare is coming true."
Chris Berman, commenting on Brady Quinn having to wait three hours longer than he thought to become a multimillionaire.
Exaggerating one's own predicament in life for dramatic effect is nothing new. Everyone does it at one time or another, attempting to convince everyone that they, personally, are going through something not unlike the Spanish Inquisition, even when they're describing their recent trip to the mall.
Listening to such blatant self-aggrandizement day in and day out, whether from people you know or from the media, leaves one with a sense of complete and total social exhaustion. Really. It's become the last refuge of the boring.
With that, here are a few exaggerations that signal your immediate admittance into douche-bagdom:
"I've been to Italy so I know what true Italian pizza tastes like."
- A favorite of mine, being that I work at a Neapolitan pizza restaurant. One's level of douche-bagness is directly related to how many seconds it takes for them to say this upon greeting the table. The record? One table said this as a response to "how's everyone doing?" One and a half seconds.
"I was born in Napoli so this better be good."
- Is that a threat? Congratulations on being born somewhere. Shut up.
"I've been a Cubs fan for 35 years."
- Is that supposed to impress me? Congratulations for not dying and, during that time, having a favorite baseball team. It doesn't qualify you for anything.
"That's just not fair!" or "I don't deserve that."
- Can we stop using these words, please? You are not special, are not owed anything and, most importantly, probably do deserve it.
"That's not good art and I know good art."
- Again, congratulations for taking a couple of art classes in college 25 years ago and going to Museum of Contemporary Art last week. That does not make you an expert on anything.
"Is it locally grown/made in house?"
- Usually done with a tone begging to be disappointed, this one's tricky. Comes down to mannerism. If asked in a genteel way that comes about organically, within the conversation, then it's good of you to be curious. But it's never that way. I truly enjoy the new wave of sustainable agriculture and restaurants' patronage of local markets, but this one is used to let everyone know just how discriminating one's taste are. It's a ploy. Best of all, I'm a stranger to you. Why are you trying to impress me?
"Just another bonehead move by the Replicrats."
- Clever. This one's been around awhile, and, if used, you jump to the front of the douche-bag line. Usually employed by people who know absolutely nothing about politics, don't regularly follow it, only read news that reaffirms their own viewpoint, have read Noam Chomsky and/or subscribe to at least half of the 9/11 conspiracy theories. I once heard this come out of the mouth of someone in my college propaganda class. She followed it up by saying NPR was alternative/guerilla radio. NPR has 25 million listeners a week.
"I'm a photographer."
- Of course you are. This one is usually reserved for recent female college graduates. Congratulations for buying a camera and pointing it at something. Along these lines, American Spirits are not more healthy than other cigarettes. It's a cigarette.
"I don't watch or own a television."
- Oh, you're just soooo above it. This one never comes about organically, within a conversation. This is declared, usually by someone not even in the conversation. They listen carefully, from the periphery, wait for the moment to interject and, while someone is in mid-sentence, pronounce this loudly and proudly. The worst part is that you can feel it coming. Their body language and slightly audible gasps/snorts warn everyone of this type of impending assholishness. "I read," they say, following up with a treatise on some book about those bonehead Replicrats.
Feel free to add. I will as they come about or to me.
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3 comments:
Adding to the replicrats comment, these people - at least in my experience of waiting tables, a bastion for theatre types - usually start into this routine after two beers and some level of uncomfortable silence.
Cycling? On the nose. Direct experience with this one.
The latest one for me are the white people that complain loudly at fast food places and roll their eyes and look to you for "support" as if to say, "can you believe how BLACK and HISPANIC these people are?"
I make it a point to be overly-polite to the person taking my order and go out of my way to make sure the complainer feels like a douche. (usually doesn't work. A douchebag of this magnitude has no humility-Kryptonite)
And it's hilarious that they actually look for approval of their racist behavior, usually with a 'hummph' and lip-curl. These people can be spotted early. If someone walks in with a sloppy gut, four day-old stubble, has three coats on, a cellphone attached to their belt and are breathing loudly, they will do/say something moronic.
If at 7-11, expect them to be buying a 4 bazillion ounce pop in a cup they brought with them.
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