End of the road for Bobbo.

Bob Barker ends his run as host of the The Price Is Right on June 15.

Nothing can be said about the peculiar magic of this show that hasn't already been said expect that, personally, no show has consistently cut through and beat down every cynical tendency about the inherent nature of humanity more than this one.

And no host has embodied the superlative definition of grace more than Bob Barker.

Everyone has seen the show. 300 people pack into a Los Angeles studio, most donning shirts paying tribute in one way or another to Bob, and act borderline psychotic for an hour. People have broken bones from falls resulting from their flailing about, two people have fainted after winning the showcase showdown, and even one extraordinarily large Samoan man, so jazzed about winning the initial bidding game, ran on stage and jumped all over Bob, breaking three of Barker's ribs.

That last one happened a couple of years ago. Since then, Barker has instituted a no-hugging policy. It's said that the measure of a man can be seen in how others act in relation to him. Next time you watch the show, pay attention to the cavalcade of people rushing to the stage, all stopping just short of Bob and ever-so-gently leaning over and kissing him on the cheek, all displaying an unyielding reverence for a man who, for 35 years, has hosted a show that, on the surface, is easily one of the cheapest and cheesiest on TV.

But that has been the magic. I will not wax poetically about the ever-changing society we live in and the loss of institutions and roots. Screw that. Things change. Grow up and get used to it. The lure of the show is the melting pot of contestants, all eternally optimistic, all rooting for each other, all there just to shake Bob Barker's hand.

From the retired men in their mesh US Marine hats all wishing Bob a happy retirement to the morbidly obese women, crying their eyes out, professing their life's wish fulfilled just by being on stage with Bob to the college kids shaking Bob's hand as if they were shaking the Pope's, something strange happens to the cynical viewer. Not only do you like these people, you don't hate People, if ever so briefly. Nothing's staged, nothing's false, nothing's contrived. It's just a cross-section of the whole freakin' world having some fun within the right context.

And Bob deserves all the credit for that. He, over the years, has woven together this fun by his sheer charisma. He's gracefully impatient, gracefully annoyed, gracefully dorky and, best of all, gracefully embraces his own - and more frequent - mistakes. In short, it's impossible not to smile watching this man navigate this wonderful silliness.

This week, Wednesday and Thursday, the last of the $1 million spectaculars will be aired in prime time on CBS. The wheels of the bus, I'm sure, will fall off and someone will most likely faint, so tune in!

"There are people so addicted to exaggeration they can't tell the truth without lying." ~Josh Billings

A few recent quotes (highlight the text below each quote to reveal the source):

"I'm mad. It has completely turned my life upside down!"

A San Francisco woman talking about a possible rough morning traffic commute in the Bay Area after a section of the freeway collapsed. Turned out to be minor delays.

"You just have to deal with adversity in life. It's hard."

Raul Ibanez, Seattle Mariners outfielder, discussing his little baseball game getting canceled because of rain, the fifth in a month.

"This absolutely has to be a nightmare for the guy. His worst nightmare is coming true."

Chris Berman, commenting on Brady Quinn having to wait three hours longer than he thought to become a multimillionaire.


Exaggerating one's own predicament in life for dramatic effect is nothing new. Everyone does it at one time or another, attempting to convince everyone that they, personally, are going through something not unlike the Spanish Inquisition, even when they're describing their recent trip to the mall.

Listening to such blatant self-aggrandizement day in and day out, whether from people you know or from the media, leaves one with a sense of complete and total social exhaustion. Really. It's become the last refuge of the boring.


With that, here are a few exaggerations that signal your immediate admittance into douche-bagdom:

"I've been to Italy so I know what true Italian pizza tastes like."

- A favorite of mine, being that I work at a Neapolitan pizza restaurant. One's level of douche-bagness is directly related to how many seconds it takes for them to say this upon greeting the table. The record? One table said this as a response to "how's everyone doing?" One and a half seconds.

"I was born in Napoli so this better be good."

- Is that a threat? Congratulations on being born somewhere. Shut up.

"I've been a Cubs fan for 35 years."

- Is that supposed to impress me? Congratulations for not dying and, during that time, having a favorite baseball team. It doesn't qualify you for anything.

"That's just not fair!" or "I don't deserve that."

- Can we stop using these words, please? You are not special, are not owed anything and, most importantly, probably do deserve it.

"That's not good art and I know good art."

- Again, congratulations for taking a couple of art classes in college 25 years ago and going to Museum of Contemporary Art last week. That does not make you an expert on anything.

"Is it locally grown/made in house?"

- Usually done with a tone begging to be disappointed, this one's tricky. Comes down to mannerism. If asked in a genteel way that comes about organically, within the conversation, then it's good of you to be curious. But it's never that way. I truly enjoy the new wave of sustainable agriculture and restaurants' patronage of local markets, but this one is used to let everyone know just how discriminating one's taste are. It's a ploy. Best of all, I'm a stranger to you. Why are you trying to impress me?

"Just another bonehead move by the Replicrats."

- Clever. This one's been around awhile, and, if used, you jump to the front of the douche-bag line. Usually employed by people who know absolutely nothing about politics, don't regularly follow it, only read news that reaffirms their own viewpoint, have read Noam Chomsky and/or subscribe to at least half of the 9/11 conspiracy theories. I once heard this come out of the mouth of someone in my college propaganda class. She followed it up by saying NPR was alternative/guerilla radio. NPR has 25 million listeners a week.

"I'm a photographer."

- Of course you are. This one is usually reserved for recent female college graduates. Congratulations for buying a camera and pointing it at something. Along these lines, American Spirits are not more healthy than other cigarettes. It's a cigarette.

"I don't watch or own a television."

- Oh, you're just soooo above it. This one never comes about organically, within a conversation. This is declared, usually by someone not even in the conversation. They listen carefully, from the periphery, wait for the moment to interject and, while someone is in mid-sentence, pronounce this loudly and proudly. The worst part is that you can feel it coming. Their body language and slightly audible gasps/snorts warn everyone of this type of impending assholishness. "I read," they say, following up with a treatise on some book about those bonehead Replicrats.

Feel free to add. I will as they come about or to me.