Snacky Boy

The blog is dead! Long live the blog!

2008-01-05T16:17:00.000-06:00

We here at Snacky Boy have officially closed our doors to business and are teaming up with the fine gentlemen over at BigRedEgg to pump out even more nonsensical drivel and reactionary thought.

At our new home, you can expect the same blithering randomness you got from here, only with more frequent posts and something approaching focus. Novel concepts, all!

So come join us. It should be fun.

More Stupid Stupidness from the Stupid.

2007-12-10T12:40:00.000-06:00

When I returned to college at the age of 28, I went with the bright-eyed naiveté usually reserved from newly matriculated 18 year-olds.

I was a political junkie and satisfied half of my political science major six years earlier, so it seemed wise to polish that off, but I was not prepared for how the political debate among the young'uns had changed from 1992 to 1999.

There was always a glut of dopes reciting Zinn without context, the occasional moron saying the latest currency fluctuation signaled the end of capitalism and the group of dippy sorority girls attempting to exercise some newly-found spine and belching out rambling incoherence. .

But in 1999, it changed.

And it changed to something akin to this:

And discussions usually devolved into fatuousness like this:

Now this is nothing new but I loved politics. It was like grown-up sports but it mattered. But something happened in the mid 90s; something that made willful ignorance an acceptable life course, something that's even more disturbing when it happens to 20 somethings.

It wasn't everybody, but the numbers were sufficient enough to drive any serious discussion about anything into a spiral of digressive stupidness. As with anything in life, even for the most serious of serious ventures, it has to have a component of fun. For me, it just didn't anymore.

I could blame the Republicans for being the evil fucks that they are. I could blame the Democrats for continuing to do their best rendition of Italian politics circa 1950. But mostly I blame the big, fat, stinkin' Belgians.

BTW, Sherri Shepherd plays Tracy Morgan's wife on 30 Rock, easily the funniest comedy on TV right now, even if the competition is a little weak, though it's superlatively funny. But I digress.

January 6, 2008 is my New Year.

2007-11-02T10:57:00.000-06:00

In an age where it's impossible to truly know if the guy sitting next to you is a person of integrity or a unbelievable douchebag, it's refreshing to know that, for some, there are still a few benchmarks.

We create our own, usually closely tied to our own predilections, quirks or spitting hatreds, but the instant recognition of something in someone, however small, swings the pendulum almost immediately. A certain clarity emerges, the questions fade away and the path of future interaction is settled. You now know where this person stands in your own small little world.

For me, it's the answer to the question "Do you like The Wire?"

Created by David Simon, a police reporter for the Baltimore Sun covering the crime beat for 12 years, the show chronicles the decay and deprivation brought on by drugs and the war on drugs from nearly every angle relating to the city of Baltimore.

It is taut. It is deep. It is nuanced. It is paced, powerful and as meta as it get.

There is no lead character. No stand-alone episodes. No pandering to a comfort zone.

It does not believe the viewer is stupid/slow/inattentive. In fact, it expects the viewer to pay the fuck attention. Everything's critical. It challenges you in a way the discerning mind has been screaming for all this time. Never do you feel a false note and never will you be able to put it in a box. In short, if you complain about the inanity of television and haven't watched The Wire, you are no longer part of the discussion. Go now, please.

Here's a snapshot of a famous scene (do not play in office):

The fifth and last season wrapped recently in Baltimore. The New Yorker wrote a great piece that sums up the show and David Simon quite nicely. It's a great read and makes you admire the hell out of the show and Simon in particular. Read this interview (Part I & Part II) as well for further insight into his motivations behind the writing.

I've bellowed from the highest mountaintops for people to watch this show. Of the few that took the advice, the accounts were almost identical in nature. They watched the first episode and instantly set aside the next month to watch the next 40 episodes, handing over whole days to the viewing of the show. It's exactly what happened to me.

It's simply the best show ever put on television and if asked what my favorite movie is, I qualify it by saying it still comes after The Wire.

On January 6, 2008, the fifth and final season begins on HBO, plenty of time to catch up if interested. Netflix and Blockbuster.com have the first three seasons available with the fourth season being released on December 4. If you are supremely interested, DeepDiscount.com recently reduced the first three seasons, bundled together, to a silly-low $77 (update: they caught their error and now sells for $140).

It will be the best time and/or money you ever spent.

Because it's funny!

2007-10-20T09:53:00.000-06:00

I've lost much of my spitting hatred for Notre Dame over the years. It just isn't much fun to hate on something so mediocre, but this is worth it.

"BC's got better Christians!!!"

And Then There's the Senior Circuit.

2007-10-01T22:26:00.000-06:00

In the race for the 'Biggest Boob in TV sports broadcasting' trophy, Tim McCarver gets the nod over Big Joe. His lack of basic knowledge of how to pronounce players' names is legendary. His stubborn refusal to even acknowledge a better system of baseball statistics is asinine.

To wit: "I only care about on-base percentage if you can run. If you can't run, I could care less about on-base percentage."

Um, what?

Or saying silliness like this: "I think if Norman Rockwell were alive the guy that he would paint more than anyone else would be David Eckstein."

But, in my world, it's his continued belief that the NL is a better league than the AL that makes him the biggest terdball in this or any other universe. When pressed, he substitutes 'better' with 'exciting'. What a douche.

With that, here's the right and proper answers to the question, "Who are the best players in a terribly average league."

NATIONAL LEAGUE

Most Valuable Player: Matt Holliday, LF, Colorado Rockies

The Rockies won 14 of their last 15 (including last night) to win the Wild Card. Holliday, during that stretch, hit .442 with 5hr and 17rbi. His .340 AVG. was tops in the NL. His 137rbi was tops as well. His SLG and OPS were second to Prince Fielder by a few hundredths of a point in both categories. In short, the Rockies are a .500 team without him.

Runner-ups:

Jimmy Rollins: A fairly close second, Rollins played in every game this year, no small feat at the hardest position to play in baseball. He hit .296/.344/.531-30-94-41, numbers that were significant improvements over last year. He has become a star. But he hit a very ordinary .272 with RISP and .255 Late & Close. Holliday hit .330 with RISP and .294 L&C. Take away 25 stolen bases (a very overrated stat) and Ryan Braun has better overall numbers. Close but not really.

Jake Peavy: Meh.

Ryan Howard: .268/.392/.584-47-136-1. And he missed almost a month. Hit 47hr but struck out 200 times, a Major League record. Hit 47hr and still managed to have an OPS under 1.000. A bit one-dimensional.

Prince Fielder: .288/.395/.618-50-119-2. Great year. Not better than Holliday or Rollins.

Trivia Question: Who led the NL in OPS? Highlight ---> Chipper Jones (1.029)

Cy Young Award Winner: Jake Peavy, RHP, San Diego Padres

19-6, 2.54ERA, 1.06WHIP, 240K in 223 innings. First in wins, ERA, WHIP, SO. ERA was a half run better than Brandon Webb. Consistent throughout the season, going 9-3 (2.19ERA) in the first half and followed it by going 10-3 (2.57ERA). Had an ERA of 2.10 on September 1. Not a tough one.

Runner-ups:

Brandon Webb: 18-10, 3.01ERA, 1.19WHIP, 194K in 236 innings. Had what will most likely be a typical Webb season and is really a John Lackey clone in more ways than one. Had a 42 inning scoreless in July and August, corresponding with Arizona's resurgence. Just 8-6 at the break, but was 8-2 in the last two months of the season. Threw four complete games including three shutouts. That's good.

Cole Hamels: 15-5, 3.39ERA, 1.12 WHIP, 177K in 183 innings. Long-shot, but he really came into his own. Legitimate ace at just 23.

Rookie of the Year: Ryan Braun, 3b, Milwaukee Brewers

The most heated and stupid argument currently in rotation. He hit .324/.370/.634-34-97-15. He did all this in 451 at-bats and played his first game of the year on May 25!!!! If he qualified, his BA would have been fifth in the NL, his SLG would have been the best by a fairly large margin. He finished tied for 5th in home runs...in 451 ab!!! Oh, and had 60RBI with runners on...in only 122 abs!!! Okay, no más punta del exclamation. His fielding is atrocious but who cares?!

Runner-up:

Troy Tulowitzki: .291/.359/.479-24-99-7. He may be the next great shortstop. He is that good. Aside from his overall numbers, he went .295-15-60 after the break. Silly baseball minds (Mr. Boers) want to give him the award for the world's great human because of his fielding. He handled the most chances in the league and committed only seven errors, helping to boost his WARP3 to an astounding 10.3. For a shortstop, especially a rookie, that is unheard of and should be heavily considered. But it does not make him a better rookie than Braun, who had more extra base hits in nearly 200 fewer plate appearances than Tulowitzki. When the pitching and nearly every other player in the lineup laid an egg for Milwaukee during the middle of the season, Braun and Fielder single-handedly kept them in it.

Comeback Player of the Year: Dmitri Young, 1b, Washington Nationals

Playing on a team that everyone predicted would be historically bad, Young was one of the reasons they weren't. In fact, they showed signs of being a fairly decent team with eight teams having a worse record than the Nats (including the White Sox). Going .320/.378/.491-13-74 overall, Young hit .397 in May, .377 in June and .373 in August. If he didn't hit .159 in September and just hit his average, Young would have finished second to Holliday. Not bad for someone that everybody wrote off as done.

Runner-ups:

Aaron Rowand: Threatening to fade into obscurity, Rowand had a year nearly identical to his 2004 year. He hit .309/.374/.515-27-89-6 and, as White Sox fans know, was inexplicably consistent throughout the year, never hitting below .264 (August) and hit as high as .378 (April). It WAS a contract year, but he had the kind of year that gets you 5/$50 mil.

Derrek Lee: I hardly think anyone should be considered for 'comeback POY' if he was injured but I'd give Lee consideration based solely on the fact it was a major wrist injury to his lead hand. He hit .317/.400/.513-22-82-6 and seemed to find his home run stroke again later in the year (16 hrs after the break). He also hit .365-7-14 in September, a time when the Cubs made their (f'-in') run.

Manager of the Year: Manny Acta, Washington Nationals

This one's not really close. This team on paper should have lost 110 games. And their best pitcher (by far! - Patterson) barely pitched. Mostly, they held serve, going 40-41 at home. The bullpen had the ninth-best ERA in the majors and were 27-24 in one-run games. How a team that was outscored by more than 100 runs won 73 games is beyond me but Manny Acta is the reason.

Runner-ups:

Charlie Manuel: The Phillies started 4-11, at one point, he wanted to beat up a sports talk show host and they were .500 at the break, but they completed the most remarkable comeback with 15 days left in the season in the history of baseball. Manuel should be given some credit for that, even if it's mostly for staying out of the way.

Coming Soon: Team-by-team reflections and a look back on preseason predictions.

Thanks for reading.

Individual AL Awards. And this is gospel.

2007-10-01T14:21:00.001-06:00

Idiots abound on these internets (I'm looking squarely at you, Mr. Morgan). And it is no more acute than in the world of internet sports writing. Expect that idiocy to be amped up in the coming days and weeks as the creepy-crawlies come out of the woodwork to make their picks for individual MLB awards. Oh, the contrarianism! So as a preëmptive strike, I shall give mine. If you disagree, you are wrong. Crawl into a corner, wish for death and hope you come back as a smarter person. HA!

AMERICAN LEAGUE

Most Valuable Player: Alex Rodriguez, 3b, New York Yankees

The most obvious pick and cannot be argued. Don't try. It only makes you look stupid. He hit .314/.422/.645-54-156-24 this year. And for you people out there that continue to refer to A-Rod as a choker, his September numbers, in the thick of a very tight wild-card race until the last week, were .362/.470/.723-10-31-4. He was ridiculously good and put up historic numbers without any suspicion of being juicy. He was the shit. And I don't even like him.

Runner-ups:

Magglio Ordoñez: .363/.434/.595-28-139-4. Average 40 points higher than next best season.

Carlos Peña: .282/.411/.627-46-121-1. Silly good OBP with that average. Only 29.

Cy Young Award Winner: C.C. Sabathia, LHP, Cleveland Indians

I'm not falling prey to the arbitrary 20 win plateau as an argument. As the Indians pulled away from the Tigers in the last month and a half of the season, Sabathia went 6-1 with a 2.49 ERA, allowing only three home runs in 80 innings and beat Johan Santana twice. Finished 19-7, 3.21 ERA, 1.14 WHIP, 209 K and went 2-1 with a 1.17 ERA against this year's playoff teams. The Indians scored three runs or less in ten of his starts.

Runner-ups:

Josh Beckett: 20-7, 3.27 ERA, 1.14 WHIP, 194 K. Red Sox went from very good to dominant with him. Very close second, but had 1.5 more runs of support to work with than Sabathia. The Red Sox scored seven runs or more in 12 of his starts.

John Lackey: 19-9, 3.01 ERA, 1.21 WHIP, 179 K. Very good year, but numbers inflated by three late-season wins when the games meant nothing to the team. The Angels scored three runs or less in a whopping 13 of his 33 starts, though.

Rookie of the Year: Brian Bannister, RHP, Kansas City Royals

He went 12-9 on a team that went 69-93. Coupled with a 3.78 ERA and 1.21 WHIP, he wins it hands-down over Pedroia/Matsuzaka. It could have been better. On September 2, he was 12-7 with a 3.16 ERA that would have been fourth best in the AL this year.

Runner-ups:

Dustin Pedroia: .317/.380/.442-8-50-7. Great average for a rookie. Very durable. Solidied a position that was a HUGE question mark for Boston coming into the season.

Daisuke Matsuzaka: 15-12, 4.40 ERA, 1.32 WHIP. Yo-yo type year. On pace to win 20 early on and then blew up.

Comeback Player of the Year: Carlos Peña, 1b, Tampa Bay Devil Rays

After 33 at-bats with the Red Sox last year, Peña finally did what he's been telling everyone within shouting distance he could do. After a slow start, he had an OPS over 1.000 in four of the last five months, walked 103 times on the year and hit 13 hrs in September with a .484 OBP. This one wasn't even close.

Runner-ups:

Chone Figgins: .330/.393/.432-3-58-41. Was hitting .347 as late as September 22 before going 0-18. Broke hand in Spring Training, came back to go 12 for his first 90 (.133) and then hit .461 in June, .351 in July and .342 in August.

Javier Vazquez: The 'comeback' moniker is so arbitrary, but if it means the biggest disparity between consecutive years, Vazquez should be mentioned. Finished 15-8 (on a team that finished 72-90) with a 3.74 ERA, a 1.14 WHIP and 213 k in 216 innings. And the White Sox scored one run or less in seven of his starts. He returned to the form that made teams salivate over him four years ago in Montreal.

Manager of the Year: Mike Scioscia, Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

He took a team with absolutely no power and got 94 wins out of them. Finishing 27th in the MLB in home runs but 6th in runs, no other manager got more from less, played four rookies (basically) in the starting lineup and dealt with more strange injuries in key positions than any Angels team in recent memory.

Runner-up:

Joe Torre: Yes, I said it. This team was in shambles as late as the end of May. And that pitching was brutal. Something was settled down and someone figured out how to manage the egos.

The terribly average National League tomorrow. NL ROY is the flashpoint for stupidity.

Thanks for reading.

Well...The Fuckers Did It.

2007-09-28T21:38:00.000-06:00

It took three seconds.

Trevor Hoffman's cutter dropping low and in to Rickie Weeks resulted in sorry flail of a swing and a third strike, setting off celebrations in Chicago and Cincinnati.

And in my neighborhood.

Within three seconds, I heard what sounded like four gunshots, at least twenty 'WOOOOO's and a bevy of helicopters took to the sky.

Within five minutes, the sirens started. 'Whoop-whoop's from prowlers howled while flying through stop signs on the way to Wrigleyville or wherever. The long and persistent wails of ambulances - screaming in the distance - followed and continued unabated for a half hour.

Within three seconds of the Padres' win, the local TV coverage began. I must confess, this was the part of the night I anticipated the most. Always one to take enormous pleasure in the haphazard nature of live, on-the-fly local news events, they didn't disappoint (Last year's New Year's Eve on ABC7 was a classic). NBC5 went immediately to the Cubby Bear where a reporter asked random women if they ever gave up on the Cubs. One response, with a sort of Proust-like bon mot, said, "WOOOO Nay, the Cubs are the BESTWOOOOOO!!!!!! ALL THE WAY, BABYWOOOOO!!!!"

The intrepid reporter moved on to a man next to the girl and, before a question could be asked, the guy pointed to the reporter and avered, "This guy's gay." And then said it again and again and again. Oh, and after a couple of minutes, jumped in front of the camera, said it again.

As expected, Clark and Addison turned into a zoo, most probably prompted by every TV station showing an empty corner on every TV in every bar within a ten block radius. It took longer than expected but it happened. The drunken hordes descended on that shithole of a stadium, bellowing WOOOOOOs all the way. Most didn't really do anything, except scream WOOOO!!! and jump up and down. They're Cub fans. It's what they do.

Back in 2003, it was a nearly identical scene, but something felt a bit more forced this time. Something felt off. Maybe it was the unfortunate timing of the clinch, happening at 10:10 pm on a Friday with all the late-night talk shows waiting to air. Maybe it was overshadowed by the historic collapse taking place at the same time in New York with the Mets losing to the Marlins, falling a game back in the East.

Or maybe it was the fact that the Cubs won one of the worst divisions in the last twenty years (though the title would go to the 1994 AL West, thank the strike for putting that horse out of its misery).

Here's a little ditty for ya:

CENTRAL	W	L	PCT	GB	EAST	CENT	WEST	INTR	RHP	LHP
x-Chicago Cubs	84	76	.525	-	15-21	44-33	17-18	8-4	65-52	19-24
Milwaukee	81	79	.506	3	16-17	43-36	14-19	8-7	53-56	28-23
St. Louis	76	84	.475	8	14-21	41-37	15-17	6-9	48-55	28-29
Cincinnati	71	89	.444	13	15-19	35-42	14-17	7-11	48-54	23-35
Houston	71	89	.444	13	11-18	35-44	16-18	9-9	50-66	21-23
Pittsburgh	68	92	.425	16	13-18	36-42	14-22	5-10	45-67	23-25

Check out every team's record outside of the division against other NL teams - NOT ONE WINNING RECORD!

It's cute they won the division. I don't hate the Cubs anymore. In fact, I wanted them to win. It's hard not to root for this team. Good for them. But that pitching with El Loco out front only begs for disappointment. And who's the third pitcher? Hill?

World Series prediction: Red Sox vs. Phillies. Phillies in seven.

More in-depth predictions and a reflection on pre-season predictions to come.

The Big Ten Network just made millions of dollars with one blocked kick.

2007-09-07T12:15:00.000-06:00

So the Michigan loss to Appalachian State is now old news.

After having to suffer through a deep chasm full of stupid these last six days with everyone attempting to one-up each other on their version of the biggest upset in the history of the world (I still say Thermoplyae), one thing is certain.

The Big Ten Network is laughing all the way to the bank.

It's no coincidence that Dish Network caved to BTN's demands less than a week after the 'historic' defeat. And in less than a week, Dish Network saw they were at a distinct competitive disadvantage w/r/t Directv. The channel will be offered on Dish Network's 'top 100' package starting immediately, then switched to 'top 100 plus' in early 2008.

And shockingly, Mediacom has begun new discussions with the BTN (see second half of story in previous link), something they said were dead just a day before the Michigan loss.

Comcast, always a friend of the people, resorted to this. If only they would have done it with a certain John Mackey flair.

Impossibly old landlords and radioactive swamp gas over Aurora (no sarcasm intended) aside, I never understood the trepidation over ditching cable in favor of the wonderful world of satellite. It's free to install, costs the same as cable, always is the first to get channels and keep them, has impeccable customer service and everything is streamlined, making me constantly say, "This is so cool!" Something I don't normally do. But I've beat that drum too long with little effect.

With BTN (without getting into exagerrated cost structures, dopey a la carte programming arguments, etc.), they played this superlatively smart from a business perspective. Ask for the top bundled rate (fuck, E! channel gets it) and if it doesn't pan out, just let the games go as sight unseen until, I don't know, Appalachian State beats Michigan, and cable subscribers can't see it. Sit back and let the phone ring off the hook at the Comcasts of the world. If BTN has to take a hit that first year, so be it. It's not like they don't have the money. And just wait until the basketball season.

They banked and will continue to bank on the superlatively stupid sports fan irate only after the fact. A bet I would take every time.

The NFL Network installed the same business model two years ago to mixed reviews and success. But just wait until they start to broadcast NFL regular season games later in the year and next season, when even more and bigger games are scheduled for broadcast earlier in the season. And again, it's not like they don't have the money.

To be profitable in the long term for both networks, they had to enter the game in a good place, not in a place where the first few years consist of constant haggling with cable companies in an attempt to get out of the sports channel tiers populated by stations catering to Buttfuck, Montana. Once you're there, good luck trying to get out.

Never one to make excuses for big corporations, in this case, it's their fucking property! Given the choice of potentially making oodles of money and potentially losing oodles of money, I personally choose the former. Almost every time. Just seems a smarter business choice. Maybe it's me.

Restaurant Review: Sepia

2007-08-22T12:41:00.001-06:00

Everyone's a critic.

In a slow year for notable restaurant openings in Chicago, it seemed every major restaurant review section in the city glommed onto Sepia as the new 'orgasmic' dining experience 'guaranteed to blow you away'.

So after falling prey to the hype, checking out the menu online and surprisingly getting a reservation (supposedly hard to do) through OpenTable, we ventured out recently to hobnob with the trendistas.

It didn't go well, and we're not hard to please.

I'm a sucker for any menu that even remotely resembles Avec's, a somewhat comparable restaurant just around the corner. Give me a menu with small plates consisting of various types of game/beef with interesting sauce accompaniments, and I'm in hook, line and sinker. It works as a haute cuisine sampling extravaganza. I came from a small town where buffets were fine dining. An ounce of that still lingers. Also, I'm a former fatty, and even former fatties still want to eat everything that offered. So after seeing the decor and the menu, things were looking good. Perfectly happy. Not giddy, but happy.

And then the meal started.

There's a reason people eat out. They go out to eat good food done in interesting ways with flavor combinations that don't immediately evoke the familiar or staid, flavors that meld into something transcending the list of ingredients. Pretty simple and restaurant 101.

Sepia does that, but ever-so-slightly. A chef gets into a danger zone when he creates a menu he thinks people will like as opposed to what he/she likes. Chef Kendal Duque has an impressive list of stops in the culinary world, but the food only seems to perfunctorily fulfill the definition of 'New American, locally grown and seasonally-driven with a Spanish flair' cuisine, terms so ubiquitous in the restaurant world as to make me sleepy.

After the meal, I immediately got the feeling that the concept so excited them, but the execution and practical application of the concept left them with a feeling of being stuck with it and they're now just plowing through.

Let's begin.

Word to servers. When a customer asks for a wine recommendation, don't go directly to the most expensive bottles. It's bad form. Given that, the wine list is eclectic in a good way. We had a Chateauneuf du Pape that was spectacular. And the whiskey cocktail with basil is worth a return trip to the bar. Avoid the much-ballyhooed blueberry lemonade. Meh.

The flatbread revolution has begun and we relented. Bacon with peaches and lamb sausage with tomatoes. Bacon - soggy. Lamb - good. Sepia's been open six weeks. The flatbread was $5 upon opening. $6 now. Trivial but not a good sign in the sense they, most likely, saw their customers were loading up on them and the small plates to the detriment of the large plate cash cows. Six weeks in and guest check average is already a factor?

Small plates - rabbit and pork. Rabbit was a muddled mess with peas, tomatoes (an apparent staple - it's seasonal, you know) and a Reisling reduction. The Reisling was lost in the butter while the rabbit lost it's signature flavor as well. The pork rillette (like a paté) was served in a preserve jar, hatch lid and all ("look, it's so whimsical!") with a fig preserve and pistachios. The pork was passable but the fig preserve was a dry, sticky mess. And the brittle seems misplaced. The lemon-sage bread pudding was charred on top and a runny (and I mean Runny) scrambled-egg mess in the middle. How do you screw up bread pudding?

Then we bolted.

Left with a choice of spending an additional $100 on such fair to middling options and bolting, we chose the latter. And here's why (aside from the food).

Our service was pretty terrible. After the aforementioned wine recommendation faux-pas, our server - who seemed nice - was a bit off. I was twice left with no silverware or plate to eat the small plates. Our bottled water was consistently refilled with tap water (no big deal but we did purchase the water for a reason). Our busser routinely kept wanting to take food not finished. We ordered the potatoes in duck fat and never received them. We ordered double espressos and received singles (which were pretty mediocre).

And once the restaurant was full, it was insanely loud.

There. I've become a nit-picky, little food critic bitch.

Sepia's only been open six weeks, so maybe things will get ironed out. But the concept makes me skeptical. People go out for a reason. Sepia's trying to not offend by catering to the downtown business crowd and all their douche-bagginess. That's the problem. They're catering. If a chef makes food that he/she likes instead of catering, success will follow. And if it doesn't, at least they went out on their own terms. That reluctance to challenge may ultimately be their demise. Or at least until someone else opens up a comparatively boring 'next-big-thing'.

Making the best of a brutal situation?

2007-07-29T22:06:00.001-06:00

I thank a guy I work with for directing me to this clip. After Sunday night's shift, I needed a diversion.

After watching Return to Paradise and Brokedown Palace on consecutive nights in the late 90s - yes, I admit it, I've seen these movies more than once - I did some research on Southeast Asian prison systems.

Here's a shock. They're brutal. But the judicial systems that lead them to the clink becomes a bit of a chess game. Knowing the system will randomly cherry-pick facts and cater to newspaper headlines, all the while trying to make a point, defendants generally bargain for the place of incarceration over relying on due process.

The location where this clip comes from is one of the better ones.

So relax. Enjoy. Know that these people have good lawyers.

Oh Shit! It's Mr. Creosote! Blame his friends.

2007-07-26T11:47:00.000-06:00

This week's New England Journal of Medicine published a three decade-long study that finds one's social network of friends can have as much of an impact on one's weight gain as personal choice and individual restraint.

Conclusion: Dump your fatty friends. They're bad for your health.

Really, there's a lot to like in this study and may contribute to the dialogue in finding new and inventive ways to get people to put the fork down.

Everyone knows this, or at least sees ample (no pun intended) evidence to this fact.

As a waiter, the glut (pun intended) of evidence is intensified, as I see a sizable (I have more...) portion of the population on a nightly basis making food choices based on their's and their friend's impulses.

And as a former fatty, I understand, down to the excruciating minutiae, why one balloons up to maximum capacity. Food is good. Food is just reeaaalllly good.

But this study should probably be seen as an attachment to the greater scope and literature on understanding social networks in general. How friendships are formed and maintained; how friends can directly influence the behavior of each other; how seemingly innocuous daily choices made within a group framework has indirect, long-term consequences, both physically and psychologically. "My group of friends really love Chili's deep-fried Southwest sampler."

More to the point, the excess fat, in many cases, is merely a by-product of people hanging around other people similar to themselves; how identities within the group are formed and a pecking order created; how decisions with many are never individual, but something to be followed. "She's ordering dessert, why can't I?"

Most to the point, nothing happens in a vacuum. Individual choices are never entirely individual, but a personal outgrowth of our experience with the immediate world around us. Our friends/people around us have much more influence over that than broader concepts like 'societal norms' or 'cultural influences'.

In short, w/r/t the study, Well...No Shit friends have influence. This information is new?

Given this study, can someone sue their friends if they have a heart attack? Fit that into the cause célèbre of fixing health care.

Really, where was all this passion in '93 when the Democrats were actively trying to fix this ridiculousness?

How quick those stalwart principles change...

2007-07-19T17:39:00.000-06:00

So Nike will now be pulling the impending release of Michael Vick's new shoe line, scheduled to be rolled out next week.

Early yesterday, Nike released a press statement detailing their plans to stand behind Michael Vick, saying every man is innocent until proven guilty. Their wording was dedicated, focused and confident.

Now, In 24 hours, the course has been completely reversed. In addition, Nike has pulled all videos featuring Vick on their website but are pulling the usual corporate bullshit of keeping everything muddled and hush-hush w/r/t their long-term association with Vick. They'll sit low. Ride it out. See if the storm passes.

In an equally disturbing manner, ESPN has changed their story headlines in their wire archives w/r/t the Vick issue as it relates to Nike. Nothing on their site relates to Nike standing behind Vick, as it did earlier yesterday. ESPN's cozy association with Nike invariably comes to mind. Ooooh, for a website snapshot!

Such is our age. And it's allowed.

In an effort to make things clear, all the evidence suggests Michael Vick is a brain-dead Neanderthal who needs to watch dogs fight to the death in order to get some kicks. As someone who enjoys, on a visceral level, the company of dogs over humans, hardly anything can bring me a deeper hatred for another human being more than this. In fact, I rarely will completely trust another human being if they don't like dogs (allergies aside). They're all weird!

With the timing of their reversal, it reminds me of Oprah saying on Larry King that she stands behind James Frey only to completely reverse her position hours later after others provided her with a ethical center.

In a world where ethics are only determined by the severity of the fallout, a corporation's or individual's transparency becomes all the more evident. Follow the developing story and the center becomes bare for all to see.

In short, just follow the sloppiness of it all.

I had a bit of a love affair with Nike shoes for a long time. With a size 13 foot, it was tough to find a shoe that fits, is durable and holds up to the elements as well as Nike shoes have for me. Their shoes became a bit verboten after this. With their capitulation and 'correction', I gave them another chance. As I said, it's tough to find good shoes. I admit the line.

If Vick continues to be a poster child for Nike after all this, I'm done. There. I said it. I'm getting all self-righteous...about shoes.

Dan Patrick jumping off the boo-yah train.

2007-07-09T11:01:00.000-06:00

After two weeks of speculation and a mysterious absence from last Tuesday's show - the day the 'Big' announcement was supposed to happen - Dan Patrick just announced he will be leaving the boo-yah network on August 17 of this year to do...whatever.

Yawn.

Aside from my collective indifference to the speculation and announcement as in pertains directly to Patrick, I can only hope this deals a serious blow to the silliness that is ESPN.

Patrick's show is and has always been the definition of dull/boring/monotonous and, one of my favorite words, jejune. The show was always a case study on the stupidity that other people find funny. But with the addition of Keith Olbermann from 1pm to 2pm, the show became passable, mainly because Olbermann is and has always been smart, relevant and highly entertaining.

Keith's show, Countdown on MSNBC, is the best news show on television along with being the show that brought down Rumsfeld in a glorious diatribe that gave me a faint, glimmering hope for American politics (if you haven't watch this, do so!).

Dan Patrick isn't really the face of the network anymore. There has been a concerted effort on the part of ESPN to rein in the egos in order to keep the costs down when it comes to contract negotiations. But there is no denying the possible effect this will have. The last of the old guard is gone, leaving the Stuart Scotts of the world to man the ship. One can only hope someone will pony up the dough to present a challenge to what's become the Evil Empire of sports broadcasting. The time seems right.

I never really cared about ESPN as a presenter/business, it was annoying but not filthy evil, until I read stuff like this and this and this and this.

Throw on the fact that I am now supposed to give a shit about NASCAR, I can only hope ESPN begins to whither on the vine. I'm sure that will come to fruition like my prediction that hip-hop would only be a fad.

Imagine If Kids Were Into Churchy Video Games!?

2007-06-27T10:15:00.000-06:00

The fine gentlemen over at IfAnyoneIsAsking today bemoaned the very existence of the peculiar piece of excrement that opened last weekend, Evan Almighty.

Well, not so much the movie, but the fact that such a piece of crap could cost $175 million and how Hollywood plans to, you know, make money shelling out this kind of over-priced crap.

Avant garde, Mate (touché, touché, you know what I mean).

Back in the early 90s (a completely different era than the mid 90s, according to Hawk), I used to buy USA Today. There, I said it. Aside from the superior sports section, I liked to mock Larry King and check out movie news, and in particular, box office results. It was a sport. And I used to work in a video store and the success or failure of the theatrical run of a movie directly determined what was bought for rental, so it was mildly relevant to my so-called job (that's my story and I'm sticking to it).

And even as recent as fifteen years ago, that success or failure at the box office largely determined the overall success of the film from a profit standpoint and the end-of-the-line when it came to the bulk of studio revenue.

Today, it's no longer even close to the case.

Mr. Mate Famber knows all this. He's a smart man. But looking at some of the financial dynamics of today's film industry reveals just how our world of the 'Total Entertainment Experience' has created an enormous safety-net for even the biggest pile of crap coming down the pike.

The Hollywood Economist over at Slate.com breaks it down. To start - and this is on average - for every dollar made at the domestic box office from a film, the studio will spend about $1.40 (budget, marketing, distribution, etc). So, on average, it's a losing venture. A bust. But domestic box office has become merely a springboard into the myriad of media arms after the fact.

Some numbers (linked by the Slate article). Total box office take worldwide for all the studios in 2004 was $7.4 billion; total take from worldwide video distribution was $20.9 billion; total take from selling TV rights (not taking a few particulars into account) was $17.7 billion!

Tack on a video game-friendly movie like Tomb Raider and creative accounting like finding a good German tax shelter and, puff, you're crapping money.

Let's extrapolate on the potential profit of Evan Almighty:

And remember, it's PG for mild rude humor and some peril ("look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can..."), so appeal is critical to the prospects for success.

Last week, it made $31 million in its opening weekend (well below expectations). But given its family-friendly focus and overt, mass appeal to the churchy-types, it should have moderate legs, pushing its domestic take to around $130 million, conservatively. It's worldwide appeal, being a distinctly American cast and having Christian overtones, limits it a bit, so $70 million seems reasonable given its extremely wide distribution and Steve Carell coming off The 40 Year-Old Virgin.

That brings the worldwide box office total to about $200 million. The reported budget was $175 million. Tack on about $80 million for marketing (usually 40% of movie's budget, especially of this size) and $30 million for distribution. That leaves $285 million as the total end-cost for the film.

DVD sales and rentals - again, given its mass family/churchy-Christian appeal - will easily top $120 million. Pay-per-view, a relatively new beast that studios have salivated over, usually add something close to DVD rental numbers. Tack on another $50 million.

TV rights are the gold mine, though, simply because of their long legs. Studios can sell and resell a movie over and over again in perpetuity. Say HBO buys Evan Almighty (which it probably will - it's reached that level of suckitude). The price HBO and other premium channels pay is usually 15-20% of domestic box office. Add $22 million. Basic cable is next (USA, F/X, etc), usually at 8-10% of domestic box office. Add $11 million. Broadcast networks fall in the middle, percentage-wise. Add $18 million. Say NBC buys and airs it two years from now. ABC might buy it for air five years from now for $5 million. It keeps going.

And this only takes into account deals done after the first few weeks of its box office opening, as bidding wars are happening more early each year. And imagine the added revenue when little Jimmy Blinkensop can download it directly to his iPhone (another Farhad Manjoo hummer given to Steve Jobs).

I have Universal's potential profit at $136 million before the movie even exits the theaters. And given its broad appeal, those numbers aren't that far-fetched and a bit conservative if the domestic take surpasses extrapolated forecasts.

Also, let's not forget, in this new world of vertical integration in the movie biz, selling a movie after its theatrical run is like selling something to yourself - robbing Peter to pay Peter - taking advantages of tax dodges, hiding money in a failing media wing and selling it off, transferring losses to a better performer to avoid capital gains and so on and so on and so on. In other words, just short of Enron.

Why Steve Carell took a piece of crap like this is beyond my comprehension. Maybe he had a mortgage payment due (hope it wasn't in Tahoe). But until smart people begin to shame stupid people into avoiding idiotic movies like this one, studios will continue to pump out drivel because it makes silly good money, even if it supposedly bombs.

Going Guerrilla...Over Wine?

2007-06-26T15:53:00.000-06:00

French wine vintners are growing desperate.

A recent dispatch from the BBC chronicles a shadowy guerrilla group called the Crav, purportedly made up of wine growers that have given an ultimatum to the French government, saying it better raise wine prices or they're going to spill some blood.

This could get interesting.

Nicolas Sarkozy, France's new president, hasn't commented publicly on the matter, but come Monday, France could become the equivalent of Monty Python's Hell's Grannies; hordes of 80 year-old, red-nosed and angry wine vintners blowing up stocks of Beringer White Zinfindel, crying, "Vive, la France!"

The problems with French wine and winemakers are voluminous. First, the wine bureucracy in France makes the world created in the movie Brazil look positively orderly. Second, as popularity and globalization hit the worldwide wine industry about ten years ago, France stubbornly stuck to old pricing structures and outmoded marketing in the face of such challenges. Really. Try to find a really good red wine from France in the $15-25 price range.

Also - and this is quality as well as a growing hinderance - French winemakers strictly adhere to the ideal of terrior, a concept simply defined as whatever the earth, wind and sky allows them in a given year. No irrigation. No manipulation. It's what the ideal of wine has been for centuries, a product of the life we live.

But heavy rains, droughts, early frosts or just a moderately damp season can make for extremely uneven reaps, and make wines with a distinctly different character from the year before, upsetting the growing hordes of novice wine drinkers, including me. With French wine, you never know what you're going to get from year to year. And with French wine, it takes upwards of $100 to find the character for which France has become famous. I've always wanted to understand French wine, but there's that whole 'paying my bills' thing. Other wine regions have found a way to adhere to idea of terrior and bring it to market in a reasonable price range.

The Crav has an uphill battle and the French government has a decision to make when it comes to what is uniquely French, thus deserving more subsidization. Check out the documentary, Mondovino to see just how dire things are getting. So dire in fact, French winemakers, as well as the greater European wine community, have such a surplus of unsold wine, they are considering selling tonnages equivalent to lakes-full of wine as biofuel.

So keep an eye out next week for Hell's Vintners. And go to How the World Works for the impetus to this post.

Pulling a Michael Moore on Michael Moore.

2007-06-23T22:17:00.000-06:00

Um, I will be checking this out.

The Los Angeles Times has an article about two liberal filmmakers from Canada who followed Michael Moore during his 2004 college campus tour. The resulting documentary exposes, at length, a glut of fabrications and manipulations Moore has used in his documentaries.

It could be a load of crap, but there seems to be a level of credibility here that, in the least, warrants a viewing.

Moore's a tool and deserves a beatdown. There is a part of me that hopes it succeeds.

I applaud his targets but bemoan his methods. He's a manipulative whore that isn't even on the same continent as honest, both factually and emotionally.

And he invested in Halliburton?

Good nuggets here.

The cavalry is back! And then it's not.

2007-06-23T10:00:00.000-06:00

In a fit of grinder dust, Darin Erstad made his return to the White Sox lineup yesterday. And as per usual, promptly went down in a fit of tweakiness.

The fact that he went down in the first inning, diving for a ball hit by Mike Fontenot, the second batter of the game, may have been a record for the shortest stint upon returning from the disabled list.

But Juan Gonzalez holds that record, grounding out to third base on the third pitch he saw after three years away from the game and pulling his hamstring on the trot down to first. He never even took the field.

I'm an Angels fan, so I had the privilege to watch, on a daily basis, Erstad's superior level of crapitude and tweakiness for 11 seasons. The 'he's sooo grindy' talk was present in Anaheim, too. In fact, the grindy, grindy, grindy mantra most likely started in its ubiquitous form in 2002 with the Angels' World Series run and the play of the pint-sized Superman, David Eckstein. You should have witnessed how much heart he showed grounding out to short.

And Erstad was part of that, that 'grindy' talk, mostly trumpeted by the worst TV tandem in the history of sports, Steve Physioc and Rex Hudler, a duo that brings (or brought, I thank all that is holy) new meaning to the phrase 'toeing the company line'. For a more encyclopedic list of this kind of silliness, visit FireJoeMorgan.com, particularly on Darin Erstad and David Eckstein.

While it seems a little late in the game, as it were, to critique Kenny Williams for signing Erstad (and they have many more problems than just Erstad), what Sox fans are witnessing right now - if they even care anymore - is, to the letter, a mirror of Erstad's last five seasons.

He came cheap, and may have been worth the risk, but adding this particular brand of tweakiness to a lineup already injury-prone (Podsednik, Crede, Thome) only aggravates the search for even a modicum of consistency, where Kenny rolled the dice one too many times and the reason they're fielding a Triple-A team. Oh, and the fact that their hitting is absolutely brutal.

But Erstad's season averages, taking away his one season that made his name seven years ago (.355, 25hr, 100rbi, .409 OBP), are .273, 8hr, 50rbi with an OBP of .327. In other words, worse than Jacque Jones, way worse, and someone the Sox are rumored to be looking to acquire!

While that trade will never happen, it almost makes sense for centerfield. It's an indicator of just how desperate things are getting and an example of how a seemingly solid signing in Erstad can royally screw up the works.

Odds on what inning Podsednik tweaks something? Fifth inning?

"There's no denying the smooth taste." - Rod Serling

2007-06-21T10:40:00.000-06:00

Now my wife and I watch oodles of HGTV and select home-makeover shows, mainly to incessantly mock them, but some exhibit a superior level of design and creativity that's fun to see put together within a specified, half-hour time frame.

If anything, two years of watching these shows imparts an understanding of color, placement and design theory that my feeble brain never truly understood before and I'm probably a better man for it (you should have seen some of my apartments).

But a dirty virus has begun to creep into some of the crappier ones - prominent, and I mean PROMINENT, product placement. And it's not so much with product placement per se, it's the surreptitious nature in which they're placed.

It's been around forever. And the current level probably was ushered in with The Apprentice or maybe Fear Factor. Heck, Rod Serling used to smoke Chesterfields during his conclusions to the episodes of Twilight Zone and then immediately do a commercial for them, saying, "There's no denying the smooth taste."

On this note, since Dale Levitski is competing on Top Chef, I thought I'd check it out.

Let's go over, minute-by-minute, a product-placement account of last night's second episode of the third season:

0:00 - 1:00 - Food & Wine Magazine, Glad and Evian

Okay, they sponsor the show. Free pass.

1:00 - 3:00 - Evian and Glad

Maybe not okay. Random food being put into the fridge by contestants just waking up and getting some coffee are, what do you know!, Glad Press-n-Seal. Glad BigBag boxes are stacked just below the counter behind a contestant drinking coffee, talking about his hard life and reading the paper with a Glad Pop-Top lid sitting next to it. An Evian bottle is on the nightstand as a contestant is roused from sleep because everyone needs pure, artesian water refreshment in the middle of the night.

3:00 - 4:00 - General Electric

Segments segue from the contestant filing out of their suite to the QuickFire Challenge is a zoom in on a GE Monogram logo, not once but twice, in case you didn't catch it the first time.

4:00 - 5:00 - Florida Citrus Fruits, Calphalon cookware

They're using citrus fruits as the focus of the challenge, so some leniency here, but FLORIDA CITRUS is everywhere, a key product to the economy of Florida and huge advertiser nationwide. Calphalon pans, absolutely identifiable to people that know them, are ubiquitous.

11:00 - Kingsford

Elimination Challenge is a upscale BBQ event brought to you by Kingsford charcoal, because only Kingsford elicits the superlative nature of 'upscale' and 'BBQ'.

19:00 - Toyota Rav4

The contestants are given a budget for their BBQ challenge and go to shop for the ingredients at Fresh Market. Upon finishing, they load up the food into the back of an SUV and close the door. As the door closes, we get a zoom-in and close-up of the Toyota Rav4 logo on the back of SUV. No accounting for the clunky sound the door makes as it shuts.

20:00 - 24:00 - Glad is back.

While the contestants prepare the food in the kitchen, Glad containers, curiously still in their cardboard boxes with the big 'GLAD' across the side, sit right next to a chef as he mixes, completely in the way. This is a timed event so a clock in the kitchen is intermittently shown. Next to the clock sits a Glad box, turned just so.

As they pack up and put all their prepared food into the Igloo coolers, an orgy of Glad containers explode onto the scene. We are shown a chef sealing some food into Glad Pop-N-Seals with another prominent Glad cardboard box in camera-shot. Glad Freezer Bags are everywhere.

28:00 - And Evian's back in play.

The contestants, back at the apartment, get ready to go to the challenge. Spliced between testimonials and various packing up, a camera follows a contestant through the room and then stops. The contestant keeps walking but an Evian bottle is squared up and in focus, the only reason to stop precisely there.

Dale just turned a lotion bottle's label away from the camera. Could just be a coincidence but he was absolutely absent from this episode. Maybe he wasn't playing ball?

28:00 - 33:00 - Kingsford and Aqua Island Homes

The contest begins. As we are given an opening montage to the setting of the challenge, there's scantily-clad beach-goers, palm trees, sand and...a real estate sign for Aqua Island Homes? Being the Kingsford challenge, Kingsford litters the BBQ stations. More Calphalon, more Igloos, more Glad, more Evian. Now Kingsford is sponsoring it, but the killer is when a contestant extols the virtues of the various kinds of wood offered to cook with. Mesquite, hickory and Kingsford offers all of them! Now that's convenience...and upscale.

Oh, zoom-out of the meat in a pan of one of the contestants with an Evian bottle snuggled up against it. Cold water right up against a steaming hot plate of meat. Does everyone know Evian has the signature lipstick-red pop top. Get that?

33:00 - New one with Moët Champagne.

Champagne is poured for the upscale and sexy BBQ with the Moët label turned just right.

37:00 - More Glad and Evian

Time to pack up. Hey, let's use Glad ForceFlex garbage bags. They're the ones that never rip, even under the biggest stress. While we do this, let's drink some Evian because this is tiring work. Better yet, let's drink some Evian out of their large, decorated bottles with the embedded seal lid.

The rest is contestant elimination silliness. Oh, the drama. At least Sandie didn't pontificate about how strong she is and how other, better challenges await her and she can't be defeated, as is the M.O. for contestants on shows of this ilk.

Anyone feel like some Kingsford-smoked BBQ. We can wash it down with some Evian. Afterwards, we can pack up the leftovers in Glad containers while drinking some Moët Champagne. Anyone?

A&W commercial: Banking on the Stupidity of the People.

2007-06-19T10:40:00.000-06:00

Advertising the use of 100% U.S. products has been a long-time, and occasionally abused, tradition for companies marketing in America. From U.S. car makers telling us that buying a Honda is somehow unpatriotic to Walmart advertising, in vague post-9/11 rhetoric with flags waving in the background, that shopping elsewhere may help the terrorists.

But A&W may have trumped them all.

In their new ad, an A&W loyalist sits next to Ronald McDonald and expresses his extreme disappointment that McDonald's uses New Zealand beef in their burgers while telling him A&W uses 100% U.S. beef in their PapaBurger.

It's a fairly new marketing device, used in the last ten years, where apparently our relationship with various companies/stores/restaurants can be something akin to a love affair, calling forth emotions usually reserved for intense love connections.

Playing on the recent fears of tainted pet food and toothpaste for China, A&W caters to the stupid by using loads of innuendo and insinuation - and most importantly plausible deniability - by saying McDonald's use of New Zealand beef betrays the very notion of 'being American'.

On the health issues of New Zealand beef, it is one of the least likely to be tainted with Mad Cow Disease, according to the United Nations. Not one reported case. Also, New Zealand beef is and has always been 100% organic, eliminating any threat related to hormonal 'frankenburger' concerns.

And curiously, A&W, a subsidiary of Yumi Brands, the people who bring you KFC, TacoBell and Long John Silver's, was recently sued and lost for their rampant cruel and unusual punishment in the killing of chickens for use in their products (in this case, PETA got it right).

But the best part is the plausible deniability. The ad makes no qualifying claims in association with the use of New Zealand beef, just that it apparently betrays the American consciousness, accompanied by the use of copious amounts of American flags and patriotic music in one form or another. The conclusion is there for only the viewer to draw. But with the timing with the pet food and toothpaste scare, the allusion is palpable.

And unbelievably pathetic.

Conservative bloggers are about as useless as a marzipan dildo.

2007-06-17T23:16:00.000-06:00

Late last week, the immigration bill was resuscitated from the dead with a border security and enforcement attachment totaling $4.4 billion used to placate the fence-sitters.

And the conservative bloggers have given a unifying 'you're dead to me' in the direction of Bush.

Weeeell, bully for you!

I'm no fan of Bush. But if there was ever one issue that he accidentally got right, it's the understanding that immigration reform is so terribly long overdue, it boggles the mind.

Let's look at a few of the conservative bloggers' spewings:

"This is akin to amnesty."

No. This is amnesty. And there's nothing wrong with that. Cautious estimates say there are 12 illegal immigrants in the U.S. right now. More aggressive estimates put the number closer to 15-18 million. By the sheer magnitude of the situation, something have to be done. And we can knock off the 'they broke the law' bullshit. Have some level of compassion for your fellow man, or at least fake it for the purposes of a sane argument.

Let's say you live in Guatemala, have a wife and four kids and make the equivalent of $5 a day. Schools are shit. Working conditions blow. You're dirt-ass poor. You have two choices. Stay in your stupid situation...or...pay a border jumper $3000 and go to the United States where you can make fifteen times your current wage, live and work in something resembling sanitary conditions and be able to provide for you and your brood in a way never even imagined before. Or you could do it the 'legal' way and put yourself on a waiting list for migration to the United States through the U.S. Embassy and wait EIGHT years (on average) to be processed.

No choice.

"The government did this in 1986 and it didn't work."

It was the definition of a half-ass effort and didn't address the unforeseen dramatic increase in immigration the country saw in the 90s.

If you want to see a real immigration problem, look to Europe, particularly France, England and Amsterdam. Aside from the xenophobic asshats (LePen, etc.), real concerns like housing shortages, strain on infrastructure and educational systems along with true language and cultural barriers that have created something resembling a caste system (see the Paris riots last year). When it comes to xenophobic remarks, much of the rhetoric coming from some of the bloggers mimics, word for word, some of LePen's campaign speeches.

The United States does not have anything close to these issues, at least not near to the extent Europe does. The absorption, over the last decade, of millions of legal and illegal immigrants has been amazingly successful. And quit using the word 'plague' to describe the situation.

"All these illegal immigrants put a strain on the U.S. economy."

Bullshit.

Dozens of studies have analyzed the impact and nearly every one has shown the economic impact to be so minimal that it could be filed under 'within the margin of error', and that is only taking into account the tangible, concrete numbers.

"The cheap labor depresses wages."

Strike two.

This only happens at the lowest end of the U.S. economy (unskilled workers) and much of the deficit is made up by the corresponding price reduction in consumer products. Any U.S. citizen complaining about lower wages has every possible access to further education that their supposed illegal immigrant 'competitors' do not. That excuse doesn't wash with me, flapjack.

"They put on a strain on the social services network."

And strike three.

A great portion of the illegal immigrant population ARE on the payroll, complete with all the corresponding federal, state and FICA taxes withdrawn, yet, because of the fear of being deported, many simply do not use any service that would create a paper trail or send up a red flag. The numbers from most studies find the impact on this issue just as marginal as the supposed wage depression.

There is a noted strain on emergency hospital care and clinics but this is only seen as something near a problem in three states - California, Texas and New York - where a full two-thirds of the illegal immigrant population is concentrated.

But Social Security, something Congress has decided to avoid addressing in any meaningful way for two decades now, may be saved by illegal immigrants. With the U.S. population aging, the influx of young immigrant workers on the books and paying taxes, the ratio of beneficiary to worker tips the scales in favor of solvency, at least in the short term (20 years).

"The guest worker program won't work and will create a depressed underclass."

What do we have now?

It's flawed, but not dangerously flawed and, in some ways, bold in the sense that it tries something in order to find what works and what doesn't. If anything, it's an attempt to formalize and document who is here and what are their skills. So what is the argument?

In my experience, conversations with people who against any immigration reform begins to reek of xenophobic asshattedness. Usually, they don't know any illegal immigrants, or worse, know only one who happens to be a raging asshole. Oodles more could be written here that gets into the details of such conservative (and liberal) silliness, but I don't have the energy.

$20 says it doesn't pass.

Why was he taking his pants off?

2007-06-16T23:24:00.001-06:00

This just in. Carlos Zambrano has a screw loose.

During the fight at Wrigley today, he had to be restrained from getting in on the melee but apparently, in his fit of frustration, decided that taking off his pants would do. (about 26 seconds in).

How FWB.

When will the lambs stop screaming!?

2007-06-15T11:20:00.000-06:00

I was doing some trolling over at waiterrant.net today and couldn't resist the opportunity to tell the story of the one waiting job I ever quit in a huff.

Here's a copy and paste:

My first job ten years ago, at a failing chain restaurant just BELOW Applebee’s on the restaurant spectrum, was the only job I ever quit.

It was a weekday lunch, a Tuesday IRCC, one of those shifts waiters are forced to take in order to score the weekend shifts. I was resigned to the fact that I would be making $32 that day, but I wasn’t ready for the 16-top that sat in my section just as I was campaigning to be cut.

They were large people, big and sweaty with six equally round children in tow. Aside from the copious amounts of deep-fried food and Diet Cokes they ordered, I had never experienced a louder and more rude table up to that point in my waiting career.

But the kicker came when they asked for the check. Ten separate checks, multiple split items. This was the time when Micros REALLY sucked and this particular restaurant had decided to stay with the 1989 model. After much cursing and questions regarding who gets what and how much, I was spent. I had hit a waiting tables nadir.

Things were just finishing up and I glanced at the table from the waiter nook and saw the woman that caused it all. She was big, dressed in a moo-moo and sitting right in front of the bay window. The noon summer sun was shining through her moo-moo, revealing more than I wanted to see and she was going to town on the remnants of the chicken wing sampler, so loudly clacking I could hear it 20 feet away. In her arm was her three year-old doing the same, gnawing away, both open-mouthed chewing in unison. She saw me looking at her and asked through her chewing for a refill on her Diet Coke.

That was it. I was done. I couldn’t reconcile this with a good way to earn a living. I walked back to the kitchen, patted my manager on the back and put my book in his chest. I gave him a ‘thanks - nothing personal, just can’t do this’, and walked out, brimming with a restorative optimism of a Jack Kerouac hero.

Three days later, tail firmly implanted between legs, I tried to get my job back.

To this day, the most embarrassing, soul-crushing moment of my life.

Note: I forgot (truly) to mention the fact that, when asking (gulp!) for my job back, I was rebuffed...with extreme prejudice.

In Defense of Mike North???

2007-06-14T10:20:00.000-06:00

This morning on the Mike North Morning Show, Chicago White Sox pitching coach Don Cooper, a regular and paid contributor to the show, took strong exception (audio) to North's characterization of the White Sox as 'laying down and quitting'. So much so, Cooper only rebuttal consisted of calling Mike a 'jerk-off'.

Aaaah, sports radio. Good stuff.

There's a very recent history here. A month ago, just about the time everyone began to understand the Sox were going to blow this year, A.J. Pierzynski, on North's show, expressed his relative displeasure over not being in the starting lineup to start the series against the Cubs.

Ozzie Guillen, always the wordsmith, immediately called in (he wasn't called) and proceeded to drop a load of F-bombs, over the air, with an 'I make the damn lineup!' sprinkled in. North responded with a convoluted and transparent diatribe against Ozzie that begged for an entry back into something approaching relevance. And it actually worked.

Now Mike North hasn't been on the same continent as interesting, smart or even mildly humorous for a loooong time. But this is his job. This is what he does. For fifteen years now. This is the gig.

Sports journalism fits only the nominal definition of journalism, for the most part. And sports radio is the bastard child of that. Nobody is under any delusions about it's importance in the grand scheme of things.

Except athletes and managers.

I understand that if Mike North said the things he said in the interview in the manner in which he said it, I'd want to pop him as well. And North's heading toward a Chet Coppock-like beatdown.

But Cooper and Guillen have to act like they've won something recently, which they have. Act like they've achieved something in the profession, which they have. Act like they have a job that demands a level of decorum, which they do. Most of all, GROW UP! Know what you're walking into. Know all the possibilities. Know how to react with a modicum of dignity when you're taking it in the nuts in life.

W/r/t the White Sox, the ship is sinking, my friends. The mice are fleeing. It's gettin' ugly.

It was a good run.

Nice Hair, Dale!

2007-06-13T14:15:00.000-06:00

It's always nice to see people you know achieve some level of success.

A few months ago, my wife and I ate at Schwa, an silly-good restaurant on Ashland garnering national raves for it's innovative and quasi-experimental American cuisine with a Midwest bent. It's a tiny operation with a rather long waiting list for reservations.

Halfway through the meal, one of the chefs came out with a course - as they do - and gave an enthusiastic hello to us in the manner in which indicated that we knew him. After much searching of our silly brains trying to place him, we finally sucked it up and asked the waiter.

To my shock and dismay, we both had worked with him at a place in Iowa City for almost a year. After getting over my initial feeling of terdballness (I'm terrrible with names and apparently faces - I'm an arrogant ass), it was great to see someone we knew achieve such a level of success so quickly.

This brings us to Dale Levitski. Tonight, on Bravo, a show I've never watched, a guy I worked with and lived next to for two years in Iowa City will contend for the best foodie honor on the third season of Top Chef.

Dale started out as a line cook at the Ground Round, the place where I started my illustrious waiting career. I really only knew him through mutual drunk and stoned friends but the man knew how to cook.

I think he's bored.

Good Luck, Dale!

Read the article about his appearance in Metromix.com

I watch people chew for a living.

2007-06-13T13:28:00.000-06:00

Farhad Manjoo, a tech columnist and fledging blogger for Salon, has always entertained when it comes to writing about technology without being too techy.

Aside from his man-crush on Steve Jobs, he usually writes smart, incisive articles that hit it in the nuts and gives a unique and accessible spin. Today, he juuuust missed it.

In writing about user reviews on websites ranging restaurants to consumer products, Manjoo nails the crux of the phenomenon.

Online ratings are beset by one main flaw, something pollsters call "response bias." Because people are more likely to rate products that have moved them in some way -- either positively or negatively -- ratings for most items brim with extreme opinions.

True, that.

A peculiar aspect of working in Chicago is how much the user review websites matter, especially with the start-ups. Metromix, the Chicago Reader, Lth Forum and a new entry Yelp have been poured over daily by the owners I've worked for in a vein attempt to find a vibe.

For poops and cackles, I check them out on a semi-regular basis. Aside from the copious amounts of spelling errors and general ignorance when it comes to the menu/cuisine, one thing sticks out above everything else and it's the thing Manjoo misses. These people are morons!

A restaurant atmosphere is like a sewing circle, everything talked about, gossiped about, cursed at and analyzed to the point that you can recall the excruciating minutiae of every second of every shift from the past week. That includes the customers you just know are going to review their experience later (I've seen notepads).

Scan the next restaurant you visit. Look for the cellphone on the belt. Look for the gray fright wig. Look for the fanny packs. Look for the hiked-up pants and pastel shirt. All these, in my experience, qualify as a probable reviewer. But more importantly, look for the people looking around, watching the bussers, the hostess, the owner. Most importantly, look for the middle-aged couple not talking to each other. At all. The whole meal.

And most, most importantly, look for her.

They're a miserable lot, lamenting a life passed by, dumpster-diving for a shred of importance to salvage, wipe off and place of their mantle. User reviews provide that elusive, that lost, that gone-by. It's a chance for people to scream into the dying of the light and say, "My opinion matters, Damn it!" In it's very worst incarnations, it allows their Ignatius J. Reilly to come out with a bellowing of "that meal was an abortion!"

It's not personal. I've come out relatively unscathed in my time in Chicago. The only quasi-bad review I personally have ever had was 'a little haughty, but informative and responsive'. I'm lucky to currently work at a restaurant that's impervious to such review website influence, though we've had some doozies.

And waiting tables for eleven years brings with it an 'I don't give a crap' attitude about nearly everything. But I've known these people, the situations and their beef when it comes to the bad ones. Trust me. They lie, they exaggerate, they misrepresent, they have a compulsive need to be appalled.

So the next time you scour the user reviews to pick a new restaurant and see a scathing review, think of the person you most hate in life and everything that entails. It's a good bet he or she or someone just like them probably wrote it.

Find it. Know it. Love it!

2007-06-11T16:05:00.000-06:00

Holy crap!

Last year, we started dabbling in the world of Rosés. We found many we liked. Some we didn't. But mostly, we were stunned by the silliness that kept us from the drinking this perfect summer quaff. Today, we found one that surpasses everything that preceded.

It's a 2004 Peñascal Rosé, Vino de Mesa Rosado, semi-dry, semi-seco. For people that could give two shits about wine but are oddly/secretly curious, give this one a try. It could end up being a gateway drug.

I'm not a 'let's go sit on the patio and drink pink wine!' person. Restaurant patio people, in general, annoy me (a by-product of years of waiting on these particular terdballs). With this rosé, you get only a bit of the fizzy, a perfect balance of cherry notes and a hint (oh, so hint) of dryness. In other words, it doesn't sit in your throat for hours like Italian rosés and it doesn't make you want to clack.

Binny's sells it for $6! Six fuckin' dollars! Peñascal (Spain, Castilla y León) has pumped out some supremely good wines for the price for a few years now. Check out the 2004 Shiraz, which sells for about $8 everywhere. The Sauvignon Blanc blows and the Tempranillo is passable at best. But with the Shiraz, you can't beat the price. It's nothing mind-blowing, but always represents well with solid tannins, blackberry overtones and a little vanilla thrown in. If you're poor, like we are occasionally, you can't beat it.

If anything, when it comes to rosés, it's better than sucking down another Miller Lite and trying to convince yourself that is somehow refreshing.

"My ass is two big trash bags filled with ricotta cheese!"

2007-06-11T11:20:00.000-06:00

If and when you should find the time, check out the DVD commentary of Sideways.

Paul Giamatti, always the indie darling who seems to make everyone and everything better with every role he takes, has a ball with this one. But it's Thomas Haden Church who steals the show. When it's over, you will immediately think that Church's career may be the worst example of Hollywood typecasting.

The most exposure I had of Church before Sideways was unfortunately Wings, a superlatively forgettable show starring Tim Daly (a man looking to set the record for failed ABC shows within a three year time frame).

Basically, Wings was Taxi set in a small airport in Nantucket with Thomas Haden Church playing the role of Andy Kaufman. If there was anything the show offered, it was Church (with a little Tony Shalhoub sprinkled in). While the show was absolute formulaic crap, Church displayed a keen sense for comedic nuance and timing even when his lines on paper offered none.

With the commentary, you are treated to a hilarious back-and-forth between Giamatti and Church. I watched it alone, late at night, and was audibly laughing my ass off. With Church, most of all, you want to know this guy.

Inter alia: The Sopranos is over. Yesterday, I finally met another person who couldn't give a fuck about the show. I've seen probably seven episodes (second season, mostly).

Maybe it's because I felt burned by the investment I gave to Six Feet Under. Maybe it's because so many more people found it so much more watchable than the supremely better show The Wire. Maybe it's because I never bought the causal relationship between being a murderous psychotic and honoring tradition/family while attempting to mitigate the resulting guilt by having a fucked-up relationship with his therapist. Funny/interesting but only at first.

It's nothing moral, just seemed sloppy, like the writers intentionally provided this wide-open setup in order to avoid a cohesive and thought-out story arc. In other words, Six Feet Under. Oh, the haphazardness!

Paris Hilton Sobs

2007-06-09T22:32:00.001-06:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hands on knees.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Stand up. Arch head back.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hunch back over.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Aaahhh! It's. Good. To. Laugh!

"Roger Clemens is in George's Box!"

2007-06-09T11:14:00.000-06:00

Never knew he was a woman. Be gentle, Roger.

Old clip, but still funny and telling every time I hear it. I liked the Yankees for a brief two-month period in 1987, mainly because I liked Don Mattingly and Dave Winfield growing up.

Then it began to feel wrong, like I was having an affair with stupidity. I thank Suzyn Waldman for allowing me to reminisce about those days of yore when one could flirt with the idiotic and blame it on youthful indiscretion.

Today begins the great exorcising of past Yankee demons with the return of Clemens. But let us remember that the Yankees began to play something resembling baseball before Jesus Christ returned to the team. Please?! It doesn't hurt they were given a gift with a four game series against the White Sox.

On that topic, he was supposed to pitch Monday against said White Sox but a mysterious groin injury arose. East Coast television markets and Saturday game of the week apparently beckoned. Media Whore!

As of this writing, his line is 4 ip, 5 hits, 3 runs, 3 earned, 2 walks, 5 k against the Pirates. Of all the dramatic things!

And according to this picture, it's odd he could even pitch at all given he's been dead for some time.

Ffffiiiinnnneeee!!!!

2007-06-07T10:17:00.000-06:00

So I was tagged by those lovely people over at the All You Care To Eat blog. Basically, from what I understand, it's a blogger chain letter. Bastard! My superstitious nature will compel me to find eight other bloggers to torture with such pain in order to avert death next month. One upside may be that this will get me off my ass and write some more so this will be buried in 'Older Posts'.

The rules:

"Bloggers must post these rules and provide eight random facts about themselves. In the post, the tagged blogger tags eight other bloggers and notify them that they have been tagged."

1. A plate of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with sour cream and onion Pringles is hands-down the best meal on this or any known or theoretical universe.

2. In my 12 years in Iowa City, I lived in 16 different apartments, four in one calendar year. I was a little squirrelly in my 20s and had roommates who had a penchant for getting kicked out of school or attempting suicide.

3. When I was twelve, I took the career aptitude test designed to find what job I would be best suited for as an adult based on my personality traits and proficiency in math, science, etc.. The result? Insurance salesman. Still working through that one.

4. My sister-in-law owns a salon and cut my hair when I was growing up. When I was thirteen, she ever-so-gently predicted that I would be bald. Started losing it at nineteen.

5. Hitting a home run is the most pure, life-affirming feeling this world has to offer. And it's not even close.

6. I watched the Godfather trilogy for the first time three months ago. Worked in a video store for five years and never saw any of them. Throw Scarface on that pile.

7. In grade school, nobody could beat me at tetherball. Not even Clint Richmond, that punk. They all came and they all went home disappointed.

8. From 1998 to 2003, I didn't work on Wednesday nights. I never told anyone what I was doing. Never even hinted at it. It became a carefully calculated routine. I would go buy some Taco Bell - three baja gorditas, nacho chips and wild cherry Pepsi (combo no. 5) - and come home. Made sure everything is taken care of w/r/t phone messages and various college assignments. Put on some comfortable clothes, grabbed my food, drew the curtains, turned the television to the WB and settled in for a blissful hour of Dawson's Creek. Yes. I'm a woman.

That's all. MateFamber, you've been tagged.

End of the road for Bobbo.

2007-05-15T12:48:00.000-06:00

Bob Barker ends his run as host of the The Price Is Right on June 15.

Nothing can be said about the peculiar magic of this show that hasn't already been said expect that, personally, no show has consistently cut through and beat down every cynical tendency about the inherent nature of humanity more than this one.

And no host has embodied the superlative definition of grace more than Bob Barker.

Everyone has seen the show. 300 people pack into a Los Angeles studio, most donning shirts paying tribute in one way or another to Bob, and act borderline psychotic for an hour. People have broken bones from falls resulting from their flailing about, two people have fainted after winning the showcase showdown, and even one extraordinarily large Samoan man, so jazzed about winning the initial bidding game, ran on stage and jumped all over Bob, breaking three of Barker's ribs.

That last one happened a couple of years ago. Since then, Barker has instituted a no-hugging policy. It's said that the measure of a man can be seen in how others act in relation to him. Next time you watch the show, pay attention to the cavalcade of people rushing to the stage, all stopping just short of Bob and ever-so-gently leaning over and kissing him on the cheek, all displaying an unyielding reverence for a man who, for 35 years, has hosted a show that, on the surface, is easily one of the cheapest and cheesiest on TV.

But that has been the magic. I will not wax poetically about the ever-changing society we live in and the loss of institutions and roots. Screw that. Things change. Grow up and get used to it. The lure of the show is the melting pot of contestants, all eternally optimistic, all rooting for each other, all there just to shake Bob Barker's hand.

From the retired men in their mesh US Marine hats all wishing Bob a happy retirement to the morbidly obese women, crying their eyes out, professing their life's wish fulfilled just by being on stage with Bob to the college kids shaking Bob's hand as if they were shaking the Pope's, something strange happens to the cynical viewer. Not only do you like these people, you don't hate People, if ever so briefly. Nothing's staged, nothing's false, nothing's contrived. It's just a cross-section of the whole freakin' world having some fun within the right context.

And Bob deserves all the credit for that. He, over the years, has woven together this fun by his sheer charisma. He's gracefully impatient, gracefully annoyed, gracefully dorky and, best of all, gracefully embraces his own - and more frequent - mistakes. In short, it's impossible not to smile watching this man navigate this wonderful silliness.

This week, Wednesday and Thursday, the last of the $1 million spectaculars will be aired in prime time on CBS. The wheels of the bus, I'm sure, will fall off and someone will most likely faint, so tune in!

"There are people so addicted to exaggeration they can't tell the truth without lying." ~Josh Billings

2007-05-01T12:27:00.000-06:00

A few recent quotes (highlight the text below each quote to reveal the source):

"I'm mad. It has completely turned my life upside down!"

A San Francisco woman talking about a possible rough morning traffic commute in the Bay Area after a section of the freeway collapsed. Turned out to be minor delays.

"You just have to deal with adversity in life. It's hard."

Raul Ibanez, Seattle Mariners outfielder, discussing his little baseball game getting canceled because of rain, the fifth in a month.

"This absolutely has to be a nightmare for the guy. His worst nightmare is coming true."

Chris Berman, commenting on Brady Quinn having to wait three hours longer than he thought to become a multimillionaire.

Exaggerating one's own predicament in life for dramatic effect is nothing new. Everyone does it at one time or another, attempting to convince everyone that they, personally, are going through something not unlike the Spanish Inquisition, even when they're describing their recent trip to the mall.

Listening to such blatant self-aggrandizement day in and day out, whether from people you know or from the media, leaves one with a sense of complete and total social exhaustion. Really. It's become the last refuge of the boring.

With that, here are a few exaggerations that signal your immediate admittance into douche-bagdom:

"I've been to Italy so I know what true Italian pizza tastes like."

- A favorite of mine, being that I work at a Neapolitan pizza restaurant. One's level of douche-bagness is directly related to how many seconds it takes for them to say this upon greeting the table. The record? One table said this as a response to "how's everyone doing?" One and a half seconds.

"I was born in Napoli so this better be good."

- Is that a threat? Congratulations on being born somewhere. Shut up.

"I've been a Cubs fan for 35 years."

- Is that supposed to impress me? Congratulations for not dying and, during that time, having a favorite baseball team. It doesn't qualify you for anything.

"That's just not fair!" or "I don't deserve that."

- Can we stop using these words, please? You are not special, are not owed anything and, most importantly, probably do deserve it.

"That's not good art and I know good art."

- Again, congratulations for taking a couple of art classes in college 25 years ago and going to Museum of Contemporary Art last week. That does not make you an expert on anything.

"Is it locally grown/made in house?"

- Usually done with a tone begging to be disappointed, this one's tricky. Comes down to mannerism. If asked in a genteel way that comes about organically, within the conversation, then it's good of you to be curious. But it's never that way. I truly enjoy the new wave of sustainable agriculture and restaurants' patronage of local markets, but this one is used to let everyone know just how discriminating one's taste are. It's a ploy. Best of all, I'm a stranger to you. Why are you trying to impress me?

"Just another bonehead move by the Replicrats."

- Clever. This one's been around awhile, and, if used, you jump to the front of the douche-bag line. Usually employed by people who know absolutely nothing about politics, don't regularly follow it, only read news that reaffirms their own viewpoint, have read Noam Chomsky and/or subscribe to at least half of the 9/11 conspiracy theories. I once heard this come out of the mouth of someone in my college propaganda class. She followed it up by saying NPR was alternative/guerilla radio. NPR has 25 million listeners a week.

"I'm a photographer."

- Of course you are. This one is usually reserved for recent female college graduates. Congratulations for buying a camera and pointing it at something. Along these lines, American Spirits are not more healthy than other cigarettes. It's a cigarette.

"I don't watch or own a television."

- Oh, you're just soooo above it. This one never comes about organically, within a conversation. This is declared, usually by someone not even in the conversation. They listen carefully, from the periphery, wait for the moment to interject and, while someone is in mid-sentence, pronounce this loudly and proudly. The worst part is that you can feel it coming. Their body language and slightly audible gasps/snorts warn everyone of this type of impending assholishness. "I read," they say, following up with a treatise on some book about those bonehead Replicrats.

Feel free to add. I will as they come about or to me.

What in the hell is a gully sucker?

2007-04-15T10:33:00.000-06:00

Movie budgets raging out of control is an old tale. Cleopatra set the bar, with Waterworld upping the ante. Blowing enormous wads of cash in uniquely stupid ways has always been a Hollywood pastime.

But it is rare to see an itemized account sheet detailing where all the money went, mainly because no studio wants their dirty laundry laid out for all to see. Well, someone at the LA Times got their hands on the comprehensive budget for the 2005 action movie Sahara.

Chockablock with juicy nuggets, it's a delicious romp that almost makes you feel sorry for movie studio executives.

I've seen Sahara. It's bad. But not in an exclusively bad way. It's by-the-numbers with overtones of camp, treasure hunting silliness and a slight hint of African geopolitical commentary. In short, there's some stuff to like here. Not much, just some.

But as I watched it, I remember feeling that, as the movie progressed, it became a step-by-step manual on how a movie gets screwed up. More than any other movie in recent memory, I could feel where a writer was canned and a new one brought in, where the producers broke up the movie into sections and targeted different ones for different editors, when Penelope Cruz became pissed off about gratuitous ass and boob shots. Every behind-the-scenes misstep is palpable in the final cut.

Check out the article and then watch the movie. Not a bad way to blow two hours.

"Everyone here is now dumber for visiting Yahoo!"

2007-04-12T20:58:00.000-06:00

Sometime last fall, Yahoo! revamped their home page. Some of the changes included embedded pop-up, rotation features and tabbed browsing within the page. Never one to take Yahoo! seriously as a news organization given it's use of wire services as the primary news-gathering apparatus, I nevertheless visit the site a few times a day. It's a quick read. Weather, mail and the top ten, up-to-date wire stories are all 'above the fold', as it were.

But a curious thing happened on the way to the forum. Over the last few months (after a silly experiment called 'The 9' failed as a front page tool), the top feature section went from a hodge-podge of serious news mingled with lighter items to extensive American Idol updates mingled with advice-giving. The embedded pop-up features also allowed Yahoo! to plug it more 'personal' items, to be rotated over a few hours, meant to add a more broad-based feel, euphemism for catering to the stupid.

It's no wonder Yahoo! has changed their focus. A recent scan of similarly old news items and their comment (Y! answers) count tell the story. 'Sanjaya advances' generated nearly 15,000 comments while a story on Iran's enrichment of uranium and it's possible weapon-grade status generated 32. I understand. It's a business. In the internet world, traffic count is everything.

American Idol silliness doesn't bother me. Don't watch it. Don't care, though it's nice to see viewership is down. What has become disturbing is the advice-giving.

Check out this little number from an asshat named David Wygant. If you're mildly annoyed/amused/amusingly annoyed by it, check out his archive. It's worth it. He covers the whole spectrum of dating advice; from the obvious to the idiotic to the downright assholish, as if men need any help being an asshole or an idiot or, most importantly, obvious.

It's clear that Lonely Hearts Clubs don't meet in restaurants anyone and have turned to the internet. Just look at eHarmony. But if traffic counts are any indicator of the relative seriousness people are taking Yahoo! Personals and especially David Wygant, thank God I'm married. For that and a thousand other reasons, I just couldn't take the dating world anymore.

Update: The Thick of It

2007-04-11T22:19:00.000-06:00

ABC has picked up the Mitchell Hurwitz (Arrested Development)-produced comedy based on the superlatively hilarious BBC comedy The Thick of It. It's official, ready, done. Variety has updated the cast of the show. Here are the vitals:

The Thick of It (Sony Pictures TV)
Exec producers: Mitchell Hurwitz and Richard Day (writers), Paul Telegdy, Armando Iannucci
Cast: Christopher Guest, Rhea Deehorn, Oliver Platt, Michael McKean, John Michael Higgins, Alex Borstein, Wayne Wilderson
Logline: Office workers for a low-level congressman, based on a BBC format.

Holy crap in a handbag! If the show doesn't become a Christopher Guest vehicle and the writing dominates like the BBC version, this has the potential to be supremely funny. Guest's look of disbelief should be perfect.

Things I learned today from Hawk & DJ

2007-04-05T15:26:00.000-06:00

DJ: The best slider in the last twenty five years was Paul Assenmacher's.

HAWK: The best base runner in the game is Rob Mackowiak.

HAWK: Grazy Sizemore is 'a gooood-lookin' guy. He's gooood-lookin'. Just a gooood-lookin' young man.

Rare form today.

Opening Day: Better than Christmas

2007-04-02T11:08:00.000-06:00

Especially after the age of 30. No division in the National League is top-heavy and, when compared to the AL, has loads of pitching. Every team, expect the Nats, has a rotation to at least compete. On a team-by-team basis, there's more to like here than the American League. Yes. I said it. Although I'm a much bigger American League fan, the NL may provide much better baseball and much more excitement than the junior circuit this year.

NL WEST

The Dodgers' starting pitching coupled with their solid offense, speed and ridiculous depth will be too much for a strong but young division. Schmidt was topping out at 90 mph in spring training, a reason for concern but Lowe is always durable and if Penny rebounds from a brutal second half of 2006, this staff beats the Padres as the best in the division. With Garciaparra, Kent and Furcal, the team doctor should see a lot of business. But if mostly everyone stays healthy - always a big if - the Dodgers win the West, but...

The Padres' pitching is good. Chris Young had a breakout year last year and Greg Maddux will win 15 games, easy. Peavy is an enigma. He was pretty much awful in the second half of last year, not being able to locate his slider and walking everyone in sight. David Wells won't make 15 starts but Clay Hensley is underrated and sneaky good. The offense may be the problem. Bad. Watch Kevin Kouzmanoff, though. He may be better than David Wright. Everything will hinge on the pitching staff keeping the score low and close in order to hand off to Meredith and Hoffman, but...

The Rockies are good, good, good. Don't dismiss the pitching staff. With the humidor effect in Coors Field, Cook, Francis (terribly underrated), Lopez (dumped by the Orioles too early), and Josh Fogg (great spring training), the rotation is as solid as it has to be with this offense. Holliday and Atkins are bona-fide stars and if Helton returns to something resembling his former self, this is the best offense in the division. The addition of Taveras will be everything this team has been looking for if his hamstring holds up, but...

The Diamondbacks are only a year away from being silly good. Conor Jackson becomes an elite player this year and Stephen Drew is flat-out talented. Carlos Quentin will battle injuries all year but put up solid numbers in right and Chris Young, while a strikeout machine could approach 30/30. The pitching is iffy, though. Livian Hernandez is old, fat and bad and Randy Johnson isn't healthy yet. Brandon Webb is as good as it gets, but the whole staff may rest on the ability of Doug Davis being effective. If that happens, they might be decent but the pen is as brutal as they come, but...

No but. The Giants are old, old, old. Zito's contract may be the most ridiculous contract ever in baseball and that's a bold statement. He's changed his delivery and will have the advantage of seeing the league for the first time but his numbers have steadily declined over the last two years. According to the media, Matt Cain apparently is all that and a bag of chips. He's not. After that, the staff is populated with mediocrity and the bullpen is in worse shape. The offense is painfully mediocre, especially if Bonds plays less than 130 games. Durham will not duplicate last year's career numbers and attempting to replicate the glory days of Rich Aurilia in SF will end badly. Icky.

Predicted Order of Finish: Dodgers, Padres, Rockies, Diamondbacks, Giants

Players Who will have great years: Jeff Kent, Randy Wolf, Kevin Kouzmanoff, Greg Maddux, Atkins, Holliday, Taveras, Lopez, Jackson, Drew, Young

New Faces to become household names: Kouzmanoff, Clay Hensley, Andre Ethier, John Broxton, Terrmel Sledge, Chris Ianetta, Troy Tulowitzki, Ian Stewart

NL CENTRAL

The Cubs win it. With an offense like this and Derrek Lee healthy, nobody will put up more runs. The impending sale of the Cubs after the 2007 season was announced earlier today and I see something annoying magical happening this year. The pitching is average at best and that's all they will need. If Dempster approaches his '05 numbers, the bullpen is ridiculously good and that will make up for the rotation shakiness, but...

The Brewers are pretty good. A healthy Sheets makes this the best rotation in the division. Capuano, Suppan, Bush and Vargas are all above-average (well, maybe not Vargas) and the pen, if Cordero pitches like he did when he first came up with the Rangers, is good enough. The offense is young and loaded with gap hitters. Hardy, Weeks and Hall will be known by everyone by the end of the year and Prince Fielder has a year under his belt. Expect a big year, but...

The Cardinals have that whole World Series thing going on. The drive will be gone though, ala the White Sox, and they will sleepwalk through the season, competing early but dropping out of the race by late July. The rotation is just too iffy. Wainwright will be really good and Carpenter's one of the best in the game but Kip Wells and Bradon Looper? Ugh. The offense outside of Pujols is getting older (Encarnacion and Wilson?). If Rolen stays healthy and Chris Duncan get 550 abs, they could be okay. I don't expect much, but...

The Astros pitching is even more terrible. Outside of Oswalt and maybe, maybe Jason Jennings, the rest of the rotation is not good. Bad. The offense will hit a lot of home runs but this team is painfully slow and the defense may be the worst in baseball. They might be an active player at the trade deadline with Carlos Lee threatening to play for five teams in five years, but...

I want to like the Reds. The pitching isn't bad. Aaron Harang has some nasty stuff but Bronson Arroyo won't duplicate last year. I see Kirk Saarloos and Kyle Lohse being solid but the offense is fair to middling and injury-prone. If Griffey can play 140 games and Ryan Freel stays healthy and stays in center, he will be the breakout player in the NL Central. This is a bad, bad, bad bullpen with nobody even approaching a legitimate closer, but...

I want to like the Pirates as well. I like the strategy. Pitching. Pitching. Pitching. Watch to see how Nick Gorzelanny and Ian Snell progress. Both have live arms and incredible minor league numbers. If Zach Duke could pitch against the Cubs everyday, he'd be Cy Young. But he doesn't. Matt Capps is good and Torres is serviceable in the closer role until Capps is ready. The offense will be better than people think. Bay, LaRoche and Nady are a decent 3-4-5 and Chris Duffy could steal 60 bases this year if he learns to take a pitch. They're a year or two away.

Predicted Order of Finish: Cubs, Brewers, Cardinals, Astros, Reds, Pirates

Players who will have great years: D. Lee, Rich Hill, Matt Murton, Geoff Jenkins, Ben Sheets, Chris Duncan, Wainwright, Luke Scott, Morgan Ensberg, Chris Burke, Ryan Freel, Scott Hatteberg, Chris Duffy, Jose Bautista

New faces that will become household names: Hunter Pence, Chris Burke, Luke Scott, Homer Bailey, Chris Duffy, Brad Eldred

NL EAST

The Mets are good. Period. If they only had a rotation. If Pedro Martinez is back by late June - and back to being Pedro - the staff could be raised to mediocre. The offense is just silly good. If Moises Alou is healthy and gets 500 abs, this offense is the best in the majors and it's not even close. They'll win the division based solely on offense, but...

The Phillies have the pitching on paper that the Mets do not. Myers, Hamels, Garcia, Eaton and Moyer are all number two starters but the bullpen is merely good enough. Expect Ryan Howard to have a sophomore slump, as his swing seems to have a hitch just begging to be exploited. Utley is the best 2b in the majors right now and Shane Victorino, hitting second, will have a monster year. The bottom half of the lineup isn't anything to write home about but pitching makes up for everything, but...

The Braves are getting better. Expect Chuck James to approach 20 wins this year, as his stuff is just silly, and Tim Hudson seems to have solved his mechanics issues. The middle relief is crazy good setting up truck driver Bob Wickman. Offensively, they lack speed and swing and miss way too often. It's sort of feast-or-famine with this offense and I think they will miss Adam LaRoche with Scott Thorman still needing some seasoning, but...

The Marlins have a very good offense no matter how many predictions there have been w/r/t sophomore slumps. They are patient, hit for power and can run. The pitching is the big question mark with Josh Johnson out until after the All-Star break. Hitters seemed to have solved Dontrelle Willis last year while the rest of the rotation pitching a little over their ability. Sergio Mitre? Ricky Nolasco? That won't be duplicated. Look for Miguel Olivo and Josh Willingham to finally come into their own, but...

The Nationals will set the new standard for awful. A few Triple A rotations are better than this one and there was no excuse for not trading Soriano last year for pitching prospects. But I don't think their offense is as bad as people think. Ryan Church will have a huge year and Austin Kearns, finally given a stable situation, will really rake. Zimmerman's as good as advertised. But this pitching staff outside of Patterson (maybe) is just brutal. Expect 110 losses and some uniquely bad baseball.

Predicted Order of Finish: Mets, Phillies, Braves, Marlins, Nationals

Players who will have great years: Moises Alou, Carlos Delgado, Shane Victorino, Chase Utley, Jamie Moyer, Chipper Jones, Chuck James, Tim Hudson, Josh Willingham, Miguel Olivo, Felipe Loez, Austin Kearns, Ryan Church

New faces to become household names: Shane Victorino, Jeremy Hermida, Josh Willingham, Scott Thorman, Mike Pelfrey

Coming Soon: Playoff predictions. Thanks for reading.

MLB: Because My Opinion Matters, Damn It!

2007-04-01T09:55:00.000-06:00

Not really, but Opening Day is here! In a year as wide-open as it's been in a decade, a few teams stand out as good, but none are superlative. Digging a little deeper into every team finds big holes on the good teams while findinga litte something to like from the bad teams (except for Nationals - ugh!).

AL WEST:

No division has teams with more imbalance than this one. The Angels have the best pitching in the majors from top to bottom but the offense will be suspect. Everything hinges on how all their young players hit, which is not an enviable position to be in. If they win the close games, they win the division, but...

The A's are in the division. I don't hate the A's, they're just annoying. Okay, I hate them. Bobby Crosby? Bobby Kielty? Dan Haren? This team is as annoyingly pesky as the Twins. If Harden's healthy and Haren, the media's pick as the next Sandy Koufax, is moderately good, they'll contend. The offense will live or die on how Shannon Stewart and Milton Bradley hit. If they overachieve, the race with the Angels will come down to the last two weeks, but...

The Rangers have an absolutely unbelievable offense. The last two years, they hung tough through mid-July. If they find a way to get something resembling a pitching staff - which they currently do not - and learn to play through the Texas heat, they could make it a race, but...

The Mariners have a way of ruining other teams' winning streaks by suddenly playing well, ala the Royals, in key series. As a team, they're brutal. This pitching staff is as bad as the Rangers and the offense is a patchwork of tweaky veterans who are slow and too whiffy. Ichiro will be dealt by July.

Predicted order of finish: Angels, A's, Rangers, Mariners

Players who will have great years: Garret Anderson, Howie Hendrick, John Lackey, Milton Bradley, Rich Harden, Hank Blalock, Ian Kinsler, Eric Gagne, Jose Guillen, Adrian Beltre, Horacio Ramirez

New faces to become household names: Howie Kendrick, Brandon Wood (July), Daric Barton (due to the Dan Johnson injury), Ian Kinsler

AL CENTRAL:

Everyone says this is the best division in baseball. Yeah, but...the Tigers, with the Kenny Rogers injury, suddenly have a very average pitching staff. Bonderman could have a breakout season but Verlander isn't as good as everyone thinks (DL-bound with tired arm by June). If Maroth is back from shoulder surgery, that bumps it up to decent. The offense is very good...and older. There are a lot of injuries waiting to happen in Ordoñez, Rodriguez and Sheffield. Their depth will save them, though and the Tigers win a close race, but...

The White Sox are hungry again. The inevitable drop-off happened last year and the mojo will return. Kenny Williams strategy of stockpiling 200-inning starters should pay off again. The top four are slightly above average but solid. Buehrle will bounce back, mainly because he's in a contract year, and Contreras finally has learned how to age and be effective. If the fifth spot delivers ten wins, this is the best staff in the division. The offense will be good if Uribe, Podsednik and Crede revert to their 2005 form and Thome stays healthy, but...

The Indians, the new media darling, are back in the mix. Their pitching is not as good as people hope them to be. Sabathia is tweaky and an underachiever and Westbrook will frustratingly up-and-down (except against the Sox). Lee's injured. Byrd and Sowers? Bad. The offense is the best in the division. Great balance and it got better, but...

The Royals have become a baseball team again. This prediction could be a year early but what the hell. By the end of the year, we will know who Ryan Shealy, Alex Gordon, Billy Butler and Luke Hudson is. If Mike Sweeney is healthy and provides some leadership to this team, the Royals finish just below .500 (and kill a few Sox winning streaks). The pitching is not as bad as predicted. Watch Greinke, Hudson and De La Rosa, but...

The Twins have some offense, though everyone had career years last season. Nick Punto? Michael Cuddyer? They come back down to earth. Mauer's great but a little too fragile. Morneau hit out of his gourd last year. And the pitching, oh, the pitching. Santana's the best in the game but, after that, it's ugly with Liriano out for the year. Any team relying on Sidney Ponson and Ramon Ortiz to support a staff is begging for a disaster. Bonser's only decent and Silva was batting practice last year.

Predict order of finish: Tigers, White Sox, Indians, Royals, Twins

Players who will have great years: Chris Shelton, Mike Maroth, Grady Sizemore, Josh Barfield, Joe Borowski, Scott Podsednik, Jon Garland, Ryan Shealy, Alex Gordon, Zach Greinke

New faces to be become household names: Cameron Maybin, Pat Neshek, Jon Danks, Josh Fields, the whole Royals team

AL EAST:

Toughest division in baseball, hands down. The Red Sox, along with the Angels, have the best pitching in baseball, top to bottom, now that Papelbon has moved back to the closer spot. Look for Beckett to improve after a year seeing the league and Matsuzaka looks as good as predicted, mainly because he doesn't walk anybody. Schilling's healthy and, if the fifth spot is at all productive, they coast through the season. The offense is a little tweaky but stacked with hitters. Look for Coco Crisp to return to form and Lugo to have a huge year in the leadoff spot, but...

The Yankees are the Yankees, though they miss the Wild Card and things just implode in the off-season. This is the definition of bad pitching. Carl Pavano is the opening-day starter? Enough said. Wang was just too lucky last year and returns to this dimension while Pettitte won't make 30 starts, which this team desperately needs. The offense will put up a lot of runs but they are aging, especially at key spots. This will be the year that things will finally be dismantled. A-Rod will be dealt at the trading deadline, but...

The Devil Rays will score a lot of runs this year. They are Yankee killers and seem to be learning how to play in the AL East. The pitching isn't that terrible. Kazmir is solid while Seo and Shields could be good. None of the five starters are just brutal (well, maybe Fossum) while the bullpen by mid-season should be settled down. Expect an early deal to solidify the pen. The offense has a lot to like, but lack a bona-fide big bat. What they lack in a 40 hr. guy, they make up for in speed and gap hitters, but...

The Orioles are loaded with guys looking to return to form. Mora, Huff, Roberts, Hernandez and, most of all, Tejada have disappointed to say the least in the last two years. They lack a Hafner-type as well to anchor the lineup but this pitching staff is bad, bad, bad. Bedard and Cabrera are feast-or-famine type pitchers. Jaret Wright's an enigma and Trachsel, while the consummate overachiever, is poised to finally blow up. It could get ugly, but...

The Blue Jays will be even uglier. This is a team that seems like they just can't be bothered with the notion of playing baseball everyday. The pitching, outside of Halladay, is average to bad and a little too tweaky (especially Burnett and Chacin). What will kill the Blue Jays will be middle relief. Setting up B.J. Ryan, the best closer in the game, is a vast wasteland of retreads and also-rans. Glaus, Thomas and Wells is as good a 3-4-5 in baseball but expect two of them to go down with injuries. When that happens, this team is brutal.

Predicted order of finish: Red Sox, Yankees, Devil Rays, Orioles, Blue Jays

Players who will have great years: Lugo, Jon Lester, Matsuzaka, Crisp, Kei Igawa, A-Rod, Delmon Young, Ty Wigginton, Rocco Baldelli, Nick Markakis, Melvin Mora, Chris Ray, Tomo Ohka, Alex Rios

New faces to become household names: Dustin Pedroia, Phillip Hughes, James Shields, Ben Zobrist, Delmon Young, B.J. Upton, Akinori Iwamura, Adam Lind, Nick Markakis

That's it. Coming tomorrow (or the next day - whenever I get to it): National League Preview

It's Errol Morris in an episodic format.

2007-03-24T10:59:00.000-06:00

This American Life's television show debuted on Showtime last Thursday. The launch was a workmanlike effort, no flash and grandiosity, just the essence of the show.

As listeners of the show know, each episode is broken up into acts revolving around a central theme, with Thursday's episode, called 'Reality Check', following three people who devise a scheme, thinking they've made a dream come true only to see it go horribly wrong.

Act two is a reworking of a 1999 piece about an improv group, ImprovEverywhere, who decides to make a fledgling band's dreams come true.

They find a band, Ghosts of Pasha, from Vermont, who is playing one of their first gigs in New York City. The band is new...and pretty bad...and have no fans. So 35 people from the Improv group buy their CDs, memorize their lyrics, make up band t-shirts and show up for a 10pm Sunday show that was, before they showed up, absolutely devoid of patrons. They sing along to the lyrics, they dance, they jump on the stage and hug the bassist and then promptly leave. The band is stunned. The fallout is crushing.

As with many of the better segments of TAL, when the radio segment originally aired, I can remember exactly where I was, driving through Council Bluffs on the way to Denver. I can remember the section of the interstate I was on, passing Rosenblatt stadium during the interview with the bassist, crossing the state line when the segment ended. For context, I can't remember what I had for lunch two days ago (and I tried). It's been one of the best thing on radio and the TV show should be worth the time and subscription.

Check out ImprovEverywhere. Some of their 'performance acts' border on hysterical, with the Starbucks gag approaching perfect.

And we said goodbye to HBO and said hello to Showtime in order to get the show. It was time. Their monthly movie lineup has been brutal for at least a year and The Wire is on hiatus until 2008.

I gave The Sopranos a chance but never loved the mafia as a meta-narrative. Entourage was good for a grand total of three weeks in season two. Big Love had Bill Paxton, probably one of the top five worst actors working. Rome/Deadwood never held my attention and I'm still waiting to get the ten hours I spent on Carnivale back. And Bill Maher is just too smug, even for me.

One great thing HBO had this year, which, most likely, was a contractual obligation they had to meet, was Louis C.K.'s stand-up Shameless, easily the best stand-up I've seen since George Carlin.

Quick tidbit. The Newsroom, a comedy along the lines of The Larry Sanders Show that aired on the CBC and PBS during the 90s and early aughts, is finally available to purchase on Amazon and DeepDiscount.com. If you haven't seen the show, find it! Ken Finkelman's George Findlay is the most delightfully amoral character on television. It still airs occasionally on PBS during the weekends.

Coming soon: In-depth and wildly silly MLB breakdowns and predictions of all six divisions. Thank God baseball is back.

"She's a hate crime in a dress." - Esquire

2007-03-05T16:58:00.000-06:00

Nothing can be said about this nut-job that hasn't already been said, but a few points. First, who uses the word 'faggot' anymore? I admit that I live a bit of a sheltered life from the great unwashed, but even in that milieu, aren't there standards and practices that have fazed out this particular word as "so 1993"? AHHHHH! Wishful thinking.

And what a shock she's single. Who dates this? There are reports she once dated Dinesh D'Souza. On the list of couples that I would least like to take a cross-country car trip with, these two clock in at #8 (Top ten to be compiled later).

UPS, the syndicate that publishes her weekly article nationwide, 'shockingly' declined to comment. Without getting too reactionary here, what in the hell does it take to get yourself axed/shamed/crucified these days? In response to questions, they declined to comment because no paper in their syndication complained. Have some balls. Have some character w/r/t who you associate. It's not like it's a secret that Coulter's a loon. Watching this hate crime slowly fade into oblivion, kicking and screaming, is going to be fun. And stop it. She's not attractive.

In the interests of posting unbearably funny pictures that will unfortunately taint my view of a particular candidate henceforth, I give you Hillary Clinton.

It's in the mouth. It's in the earnestness. It's in the copious amounts of plastic surgery. It's in the 'thumbs up'. It's in the plaid suits. It's in her shrill nature. It's in her blatant presidential posturing on the Senate Committee for Armed Services. But mostly, it's in the striking resemblance to 'Goober' Pyle.

$2,439/month electricity bill? Now that's an 'Inconvenient Truth"!

2007-02-28T01:20:00.000-06:00

Ha, ha, ha. At least that's what Scott said. Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

Given that this report came from a rather shady little organization called the Tennessee Center for Policy Research (vague enough for you) and their site links to mostly right-wing websites and blogs, call me a skeptic.

But some facts are obvious. Gore didn't deny the amount of the bill in his response. His kilowatt usage is twenty times the national average and his usage, and here's the kicker (get to that later), actually went up in the last year.

After reading his response, something seemed a little off. His office's reference to the buying of carbon offsets to defray the cost of the carbon footprint of his home seemed fishy. Then I ran across this editorial from the Economist that says it better than my fast-fading memory of college environmental lectures ever could (you may have to watch an advertisement - do it because it's worth it).

And here's the kicker. Gore, you dope, wouldn't you think if you're going to release a major documentary about global warming, a phenomenon directly connected to man's - and particularly the United States' - rampant abuse of limited natural resources, you would care to check your own electric bill? And it went up?! And you drove a five-car motorcade consisting of two limos and a Dodge truck to the premiere that was five blocks away? In the immortal words of Gob, "C'mon!" No matter who broke the story, he deserves a beating for being this stupid.

Case Closed. Over. Done.

2007-02-27T13:36:00.000-06:00

Over the last year, since Game of Shadows was released, sports talk radio has been flooded with Barry Bonds/steroids apologists/deniers.

Even given the breadth and depth of the work and authoritative research that has yet to be credibly debunked, there is a certain contingent of mouth-breathers out there that continue to be skeptical, waiting for more 'definite' proof. Well, here it is.

Page down a bit and you will see that, since Bonds joined the Giants at age 28, his shoe size went from a 10 1/2 cleat to a size 13! Done. Over. Stop talking. That doesn't happen. It just doesn't happen.

If you haven't read the book, do so. Read an excerpt here.

Who says there is no more grace in life. Anyone who grew up around Chicago and was a sports fan knew who Chet Coppock was. He dominated the sports scene simply by finding every way possible to put his mug in front of the camera or his piehole on the airwaves. With his dopey suspenders, tacky fur coat, overly-polished patois and 'that's the way I see it' jargon, he practically begged people to hate him.

When I interned on the Mac, Jurko & Harry Show in the fall of '04, there were early whisperings that Dan McNeil and Chet Coppock had made up after a decade-long and well-publicized feud that began when Dan was the executive producer of Chet's show on the Loop (first incarnation of WMVP). A lot of the talk was vague, as Dan abhorred any talk of the feud and would tell you so. But some of the stories of Chet's complete assholishness were legendary.

His precipitous fall brought new meaning to the term 'market correction'. He was shuffled off to the fledging (and abysmal) Sporting News Radio for a few years until he returned to Chicago radio late last year, joining WMVP on weekends with Steve 'Mongo' McMichael for the worst radio show I have ever heard (and that includes the Mike Murphy Show). For a great laugh, visit Chet's website. There isn't anything or anyone for which he won't shill.

Dan McNeil essentially makes the decisions at WMVP. From my obviously limited observations, nothing happened without first consulting Dan. Bringing Chet back into the fold had to make him smile. With Chet being relegated to weekend mop-up duties and stuck with boobs like McMichael, Dan had to see this as a coda for Coppock, and a shitty one at that. It was a final kick to the groin for a man who treated him like shit for all those years.

"Taste the happy, Michael! Taste it!" - Gob

2007-02-19T16:32:00.000-06:00

NBC has taken this lame horse out back behind the barn and shot it. Thank the Almighty. Never has a show been such a laborious task to watch. Why did I watch it? Because it was on television. And Monday night to boot.

Last November, an article (can't find-still looking) detailed how writers in Hollywood watched for the sole purpose of mocking it with their writer-friends the next day; something along the lines of "Tuesday has never been such glorious romp!" Aaron Sorkin, known for his lightning-fast dialogue and shoving pretentious storylines down your throat, tried to make us care about the actions and feelings of TV executives and producers like it mattered. And the narcissism! It made me feel positively Mother Teresa-like in comparison. Bloggers and discussion boards talked at length how the show's storylines were direct parallels to his own personal and professional life. Geesh! Get some help!

I used to have a friend. He lived in his mind, his bubble, his world. Social interactions were anthropological experiments, though he, himself, was terribly and embarrassingly socially awkward. While unbelievably bright, he smoked way too much pot and became so hyper-aware, he became a bit of a pariah, never understanding people may be as smart as him. The similarities, to me, have been striking.

Strong opinions do not necessarily make good opinions. Strong lines do not necessarily make good lines in context. In script and on TV, it becomes a bit of a farce, a silliness reserved for the sort of swooning that comes with 3am insomnia, a bottle of vodka and the Google search engine (thanks, Johnny Goldstein).

When it was on, SportsNight was a joy to watch, mainly because parameters were set early on, pointedly saying that the rather irrelevant world of sports had it's moments of tension/emotions/surprises, making for good drama when contained within itself. I wanted to like Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Sorkin made it tough.

Tidbits: Andrew Leonard's column/blog How The World Works on Salon.com is a must-read and, unfortunately, has become the only thing worth reading on the website. In 2003 (and showed signs before then), it became a whip for the MoveOn.org crowd. But check him out.

"You know what they say when you assume..."

2007-02-18T10:38:00.000-06:00

Living most of my adult life in a college town came with some advantages. Aside from the ease with which I could postpone real life - taking a leisurely twelve years to get my bachelor's degree - the town oozed with the bright-eyed audacity and recklessness that comes with eternal youth. But it was like Logan's Run. People in their 30s just didn't exist. Anyone showing some level of caution or reason was immediately marginalized. And liberal, oh was it liberal! And mostly not the good kind. The recent social engineering bent of the Chicago City Council is peanuts compared to some of the studies and surveys I saw in the political science/anthropology/journalism departments at the University of Iowa.

With that, here's a little number from the LA Times:

For generations it has been one of the great American axioms, accepted truth on diamonds, courts and gridirons everywhere: Sports builds character, instilling the values of teamwork and good sportsmanship.

But amid fresh headlines of alleged cheating in auto racing, continuing controversies over steroid use in baseball, track and cycling and ugly brawls among basketball players comes a nationwide survey suggesting a decidedly darker vision of sports.

"There is reason to worry that the sports fields of America are becoming the training grounds for the next generation of corporate and political villains and thieves," says Los Angeles ethicist Michael Josephson.

The latest two-year study of high school athletes by the Josephson Institute found a higher rate of cheating in school among student-athletes than among their classmates. It also found a growing acceptance of cheating to gain advantages in competition.

Josephson's report, based on interviews across the country with 5,275 high school athletes, concluded that too many coaches are "teaching our kids to cheat and cut corners."

And my favorite quote that made me spit out my coffee:

'When your coach has not gone through four or five years of college, does not have a degree in education, and is not involved in the kids' grades or classes, there's going to be an inherent amount of drop-off in the effect they have on the kids.'
— Barbara Fiege, commissioner of the CIF City Section in Los Angeles

The sports world is not exempt from anything. In fact, in many ways, it gets a free pass because nobody wants to take on the legion of mouth-breathers and idiot parents. But this kind of stuff is just getting really old. Given that, a study of this sort doesn't pass my bullshit meter, especially when the institute conducting the survey makes no bones about their preconceived notions. Dopes. I can just imagine the smugness and blather going on at that roundtable. You know, the kind of environment that is so insular that adjectives for the sports world fly with the same vitriol of a bigoted fuck talking about 'those blacks'.

In an age where laws can be proposed and drugs can be approved with scant evidence to their legitimacy, it's this kind of crap that makes me queasy. What law would be passed based on this survey? Probably none. But that "probably" is becoming shakier everyday. If you need further evidence as to how shit like this works, read this book and this book. Keep a warm bucket of water next to your chair.

Tidbits:

On Saturday, Sound Opinions had a great interview with Tommy Ramone. In a few days (once the broadcast is podcasted), listen to it here.

New favorite wine: Raventos i Blanc "Silencis" Xarel-lo, Penedes 2005. If you like cava, this is the backbone of the sparkler. Nice fruit, hint of vanilla and medium dryness. Just started appreciating whites. Tough to find. Buy it here.

I steered away from In America because it had that whiff of wholesome, feel-goodiness to me. If you haven't seen it, check it out. Not bad at all.

A table walked in twenty minutes before we opened yesterday. We sat them with the stipulation that our wood-fired oven won't be ready until the top of the hour but they were more than welcome to have a drink and wait. The wife gave a slight eye-roll and the husband an audible gasp. As they were walking to their table, a co-worker said, "Hi, how are you doing." They just ignored him. After sitting down, I went up to them and politely asked if they would like a drink and hear the specials. The wife looked at me sternly and said, "Oh, stop it. You don't have to pretend." This started our Saturday night.

"I coulda been a contender...if only that kiddie porn charge went away."

2007-02-12T23:22:00.000-06:00

It was reported a few months ago that Mitch Hurwitz, the creator of Arrested Development, is adapting an American version of the British show The Thick of It for ABC. The pilot is scheduled for fall. If you haven't seen the British version, find it! You will never see a more believable boob on television and the writing is as good, if not better than AD.

BBCAmerica aired the first season last summer with a two-hour special and ten new episodes coming this year. Season one brings a bit of an ick factor, though. A year ago, the series' star, Chris Langham, was arrested on charges of downloading child pornography and indecent assault, among other charges, 'buggery' being one of them. Though Langham maintains his innocence, the details are Creepy, Creepy, Creepy.

If it's true, a special place in hell awaits. Regardless (though that's tough to write), the comedy is as good as I've seen in a LONG time.

On TV-related topics, the second season of HBO's Extras is everything the first season promised to be. The sort of cringe-inducing hilarity that the BBC version of The Office delivered is back and, in some ways, it's even more squeamish.

And unfortunately, The Sarah Silverman Program has grown so unbelievably tiresome after only two episodes. There used to be a time when she could read the dictionary and I'd be rollin'. I'm all for vagina/fart/vagina fart jokes, but GEEESHHH!

"I get so tired listening to one million dollars here, one million dollars there, it's so petty." - Imelda Marcos

2007-02-11T12:46:00.000-06:00

By JOCELYN GECKER, Associated Press WriterSat Feb 10, 4:57 PM ET

It was an evening of utter decadence — a 10-course gourmet dinner concocted by world-renowned chefs at $25,000 a head.

Many of those who attended Saturday night's culinary extravaganza in Bangkok hailed it as the meal of a lifetime. But it's no easy task to eat plate after plate of Beluga caviar, Perigord truffles, Kobe beef, Brittany lobster — each paired with a rare and robust vintage wine.

"It's really amazing," said one diner, Sophiane Foster, a wealthy Cambodian who lives in Malaysia, as she eyed the dinner's eighth course — a "pigeon en croute with cepes mushrooms." "But I can't finish it. Your senses can only appreciate so much."

High-rolling food lovers flew in from the United States, Europe, the Middle East and other parts of Asia for the 40-seat dinner organized by the Lebua luxury hotel in Bangkok, grandly titled "Epicurean Masters of the World."

Cooked by six three-star Michelin chefs — four from France and one each from Germany and Italy — the menu featured complicated creations like "tartar of Kobe beef with Imperial Beluga caviar and Belon oysters" and "mousseline of 'pattes rouges' crayfish with morel mushroom infusion."

Among the talented chefs, some said they found it challenging to give diners their money's worth.

Antoine Westermann of Le Buerhiesel, a top-class restaurant in Strasbourg, France, said he shaved 3 1/2 ounces of Perigord truffles — worth about $350 — onto each plate of his "coquille Saint-Jacques and truffles."

"For $25,000, what do you expect?" he said.

I've never wished food poisoning on anybody, but...

After indulging in the extravagance that is Alinea last December, a minimum level of frivolity when it comes to dining has begun to creep into my being. Curiosity always quashed good sense. I'm glad I went, but Alinea's 24-course meal with wine pairings was hit-and-miss, mostly miss, and the place was a little too smitten with it's own preciosity.

I've never met a chef I liked as a person, always admired their modus operandi w/r/t the ethics of cooking, but could never get passed their coke-addled arrogance or piety. The (fairly) recent explosion of gastronomy has been great, but thoughts of rampant silliness can't escape my brain. Is it too much to ask to put the prices on the menu, something becoming increasingly common in the upper crust of the restaurant world. I'm beginning to think we were in a tenable position for all of three seconds. Mostly reactionary thoughts, but NYT seems to agree (RR); yet another reason to justify the hatred of rich fucks.

With Alinea, it was curious, yet revealing, to find one's limits. We love to dine out. It really is an experience that, in most cases, is worth the silliness and price that comes with it, but the Achatz and others of his ilk's 'fabulousness' tax is getting a little ridiculous. Moto and Schwa are next for us, French Laundry a dream. Happy eating...and bring a loan application.

"Beginnings are great. It's the furthest point from regret."

2007-02-08T17:31:00.000-06:00

I'm in...this blogging thing. Why, you most likely didn't ask? Because I'm bored. With a job that demands twenty-five hours a week and a commute that is all of three minutes, where's the time? I have no children (unless you count a periodically needy dog), no stress, no work that comes home with me and a wife sent from whatever higher power exists. I'm a waiter...a 34 year-old bald waiter. Just really bald.

I expect a plethora (word that should never be used in conversation - WTSNBUIC) of things to be discussed, most likely between myself and I, with copious (WTSNBUIC) amounts of silliness, indulgences and meanderings. Let's get the perfunctory statistics out of the way:

Sports - Angels, Hawkeyes, Browns. In that order. Never met another Angels fan, know only two other Browns fans and graduated from Iowa, so I'm stuck with them.

Politics - Left-leaning and, oddly, it's getting worse with one caveat (WTSNBUIC) - I pretty much can't listen to one current Democrat spew self-righteously without feeling a little chunk come back up (when did I have mustard?).

Tech - First-generation iPod, Mac Powerbook G4 and a pre-paid T-Mobile cell (mainly because I never use it - who going to call me?). Huge DirecTV and TiVo disciple. That may be my limits, though the Sony Bravia is getting closer to becoming a reality.

Music - Who knows? Changes monthly. Beatles, of course. New music would include Arcade Fire, Ray LaMontagne and Daedelus with Supreme Beings of Leisure and Boards of Canada sprinkled in. Still finding new layers in Dear Catastrophe Waitress (Belle & Sebastian).

Movies - Same as above. New movies I've seen and liked include Tstosi, Caché, Three Times, The Intruder, Idiocracy, His Girl Friday, Seventh Seal and Out of Africa (which I watched for the first time last week, unbelievably).

Television - The Wire. Period. Done. Hands down the best show to ever air on TV. Tivoing Arrested Development on G4, I own them but I'm lazy. Friday Night Lights is the most impressive, unwatched, undiscovered show out there. Kudos to NBC for hanging in there. The Office.

Radio - I spend more time listening to radio than watching TV. Best show - Boers & Bernstein and it's not even close. Others that are great: TAL, Sound Opinions, TOTN (thank God it's back), Wait, Wait, Extension 720. Shows I have grown to hate or have grown tiresome: Prairie Home Companion, Whad'ya Know, Worldview (you REALLY would think Jerome would get better) and anything for which Mike North might be involved. What would be the word for when someone becomes a caricature of a caricature of a caricature? You have to commend the effort.

That is all. I hope to explore such culturally-relevant topics as dipshit comments by restaurant patrons, dipshit coffeehouse chatter, dipshit local news broadcasts, dipshit Cubs fans and anything else dipshit-related that primarily makes me feel superior. Input always welcomed. Thanks for reading.